Owens Stuff Page 2
If You find yourself here. Same rules as page 1 these are my personal musings
I never believed I could fill a whole page
sure wish I could have glimpsed you today, Otto did a great job was proud but sad too, I sure did mess up a lot of things, the ripples of the rock in the pool affected me in a very profound way. Iwonder if any of them will ever forgive me. Its such a strange thought still. Being forgiven, because I fell in love. Is it a selfish notion "forgiveness" I suppose there is this fine line maybe fear instead, that I am now labelled a pedaophile, or that im a dirty old man, that my reputation as a loving, caring, man of god could FALL so far as being in love. Was a part in the lesson today (5-27-2018) about a man named shebna. It didnt go into the account in the lesson but the words about Shebna hit me hard " “Look! Jehovah is hurling you down with violent hurling, O able-bodied man, and grasping you forcibly. Without fail he will wrap you up tightly, like a ball for a wide land. There you will die, and there the chariots of your glory will be the dishonor of the house of your master. And I will push you away from your position; and from your official standing one will tear you down.* But later Shebna is found again as a secretary. Im afraid my heart is so torn with need for love it will be such a struggle to be like that man again. Also afraid R is so determined to make me pay, she might lie to keep me from being reinstated it just makes me hate her even more, Praying Jehovah knows my plight.
Lost my debit card last night somewhere gotta go search Took Zany and Andrew and cute little olive to dinner at the sport hope its there. Ugh.
I havent been able to tell you lately, but I miss you and yes still love you....Uggghh
Omg Saw you this afternoon for like 10 seconfs, my heart leapt with joy, I miss you so so much, that little bit of contact calmed me so much, I dont know what to do baby, I am stuck to you,, I CANT STOP LOVING YOU UGGGHH HELP ME KiTTEN.
.
Slept in today have no energy at all, praying constantly for solace, lost really R is still the same, just cant seem to not be in charge, always 11pm rants, have no one to tell or get help from. Zany and Andrew came by yesterday Andrew was a big help emotionally needed to just chat, but we are just on different plains planes (omg lol) nope not gonna spell check that. She followed me all over the house from bedroomn to bedroom as I try to escape. I know every one fight about stuff, she started on me because I wanted to have dinner outside the other night, it was so nice out, it just floored me, no really she told me I couldnt eat outside, no really I just stood there and shook my head I tried to ask again and it was a tempest brewing, so I went upstairs, guess where she ate, yup I ate upstairs in the house and she went outside I was so pissed off I let her go, and no I did not raise my voice. Gotta go get andrew I asked him if he wanted to stain the old dry wood hanging off the house, He got fired or rather lost his job at town pump so I figured he could do that and Id pay him. I lost my debit card so not sure how to get him cash. River was pretty high yesterday gonna be a bit more today i am sure. Realized that K and I are never gonna be able to speak to each other again, seems so strange that friends cant speak to friends. Well for now because of my DF. R told me yesterday she was glad I was going to the meetings...It always gives me pause when any one has said that to me. Why wouldnt I go, where else should I be. Ive been in the truth most of my life. It does hurt when I have to tell someone, Had to tell both Jim and (oh for crying out loud ) diane Jones yesterday. hurts but its ok. Shebna is now my favorite bible character. Uggh
I looked at myself in the mirror today for like 15 minutes and just wept, I have been trying to remember the last time I was happy for any extended period of time, there was a young lady who made me feel happy, I tried to figure out what she saw in my face, in me, when she started loving me I was someoen she could look up to, an elder a christian man a servant with good qualities and now Im abandoned an outcast unfit to look at bad association. When I look at my reflection I am no longer in there behind those steel gray blue eyes im a shell, I keep trying to figure out how to find my way back to the man who laughed outlud, and smiled with his whole face, smiled with heart behind it. I feel I am doomed to exist on the fringe of happy,
I need a hug, a few kind words, some little bit of warmth, im afraid my heart is dying, That im slipping away inside, Its cold and I try to stay positive but I cant seem to get it right. Nothing appeals to me any more. And I miss my best friend so much.
5-28-2018
Dreamed of you last night, and woke crying,
How does love fail
when you no longer speak or touch or call out hello or whisper in each others ears, or speak about the days nonsense to one another,
How does love grow
when you no longer speak or touch or call out hello or whisper in each others ears or speak about the days nonsense to one another.
always Kitten always
I miss you so so much
Even through the pines and sage, he could smell the camp for several miles, men and women horses and wood smoke, the breeze right into his face, he had had to coax the mare up and bridle her, her little whinnies and excitement meant she could not only smell the camp but also he presumed the maiden she belonged to. The old man wasn’t sure how he felt torn, sad, glad to be close, he held back the tears. He found a small spot to rein up his horse, a mile or so away from the camp. He had seen sign of her fathers men all about, lazy oafs, more interested in grog and wenches than guarding the camp and its valuable cargo. He led the mare through the brambles and low pine boughs her foal following close. As they broke through into a large park above the camp, he pulled the mare close and held his hand over her soft nose, her ears flicked left and right, forward, and she tromped her feet. The camp was much smaller than he remembered, he wondered if it had shrunk due to her father’s treatment of the old man on the day they took her back, the day the ten men stripped him of his title, cut the epaulets and insignia off his shoulder, snapped his sword in half and left him beaten and bloodied, that day, almost a year ago. Possibly the other older men believed it to be to harsh, non the less here he was. Unsure of what was next. The foal could tell she was close too, he whistled little whistles and ran forward toward the camp and then back. He wished he could gather the young thing up close, to keep him quiet. The mare stuck close to him pushing and nudging, he kept her nose down. Over the edge of the glen he peaked, just a bit of moonlight shown upon the camp, he could see the main tent, the guards tent, he wasn’t surprised that the young boys tent was there also, the duelist, he felt a bit sad for the lad, the princess had smitten his heart too, but she couldn’t see it, her tent flickered with candle light. He held back the jealousy, thinking she might have a visitor. He glassed the rest of the camp and wondered why no men had seen or heard him and the mare approach. The mare lifted her head and whistled, he grabbed at her snout but she broke away again with another whistled. He reined her head down and saw the lights in the princess’s tent go out. He ducked instinctively, his heart raced would he see her, everything crashed, his chest tightened and the tears welled up. And there she was, he glassed the doorway, she was more beautiful than he remembered and the tears began. He watched her look about stiffening her neck to get a listen. Did she imagine it was the other horses, a wild echo or was it a snicker from a familiar throat. The colt trotted and bucked a little jig, undoubtedly happy he was so close to her, the old knight groaned. Another whinny from the mare, the maiden looked into the darkness, and disappeared into the tent. He was sure out of pure hatred that he hadn’t saved her that day. The old man took out her pouch, the men and her father left all of her belongings behind when they snatched her to save her from him, from her imprisonment, from her captor. He poured out the few things that were hers into his palm, a few rings, some gold and silver coins, a carving of a flower in a piece of rose wood, he wanted to keep this, as something to remember her by, he knew once the mare and foal were gone he would only have his feeble mind to recall her smile, her laugh, he was afraid if he let it go she would forget him as soon as she had it back. He poured the items back into the pouch and tied it to the mares mane. He watched the camp again as she came out of the tent flap, a shawl over her shoulders, she was sneaking out. He ached to believe it was to find the mare and find him. The tears flowed steadily down his cheeks as he quickly loosed the bridle from the mare’s head, he whispered into her ear, “let her remember me, let her not forget, remind her of my love for her”, the mare seemed to pause and take it in, her big brown eyes looking directly into his, her ear steady and listening to his voice, she shook her head and snorted as if to say yes. “Go” he nudged her, the horse whistled and listened then trotted down the hill her foal gladly following, joyful unobservant as the knight fell to his knees, heart crushed, he placed his head between his knees and sobbed and rocked back and forth. He had to get composed he knew once the mare was in the camp none of the soldiers would believe she found her way home. He waited as the mare galloped into the camp, straight to the princess, head own snuggling her breast, the maiden stroked and soothed the horse but looked over the glen and the forest to catch a glimpse. She found the pouch, and peered intently as she held it, was she still thinking of him, did she, care. She walked toward the spot he was the mare trailed her as she always had happy to be in her presence, more lamps begin to be lit, the camp started to come alive. He begged she could see him, his steel blue eyes clouded with the tears, he knew he had to go but couldn’t move. He whistled for his horse and knew the men would be upon him. His steed trotted about in the brush trying to find him he whistled again not being able to move, he hoped she had heard his cry. The steed came up behind and nudged him a time to go nudge, he could barely feel his body as he placed a foot in the stirrup, didn’t feel the saddle nor the jolt as his horse bolted for safety, the old knight just folded forward into the warmth of the stallion’s neck and held on as they raced to somewhere safe somewhere lonely, somewhere lost, always princess always, and he prayed, and he wept, how had she captured so much of his heart,
Praying harder than ever to get a handle on my heart, to be brave and not such a pussy, to man up and get strong, to stop being so pituful.
happy 7th aniversary
5-30-18
Ugghh another long day, and a fight as soon as I got home, not wanting to be here, not wanting to be "Here", would jah remember me. I have so much in my heart left, so many things to do, not sure any would actually miss me, K would uggh, J would,
Well I made it to billings, and like usual meandered about alone, cant remember a time I havent been, I know it was no excuse, but of course I would fall in love, and now I am so scared about today, well not scared but sad, not sure how to get in and out, wont be able to walk around, cant just sit in my chair for 8 hours, im gonna be more sad than glad today Im sure, I could really use a hug. I hope and dont hope to catch a glimpse of you today. I really miss you my girl, a lot. I cant seem to move on im connected to you I walk about with just half a heart, Im not fooling Jah, I dream about you think about you every spare moment worry about you, fantasize about you,,, I love you Kitten, I love you Randi
Do you come here, do you sneak in on sweet kitten paws and meander about, to get solace to see my words for you? Do you visit, peak inside my window to be consoled, a one way street in to my heart, and exit? Do you think of me, am I now a painful memory. No hints or clues. probably best, I thought writing down my day to day stuff would help, not sure it does, no one listens, no one hears, maybe it even prolongs the pain. I prayed today so much to have Jah make me remember how painfull it was today. To help me. I have allready had a few beers so I hope it makes sense at the end.
I saw you today, right straight down in front of me with Jane and Russ, it was nice, stick with them if they will let you, nice she gave you a peck on the cheek, held your arm for the last way way way long prayer. I also almost bumped into you on the walk way up to the upper parking area, I had gone up to sit in my car had become to painful to tell ones I was no longer part of the christian congregation. So many faces 1000's that I know, Im just a ghost, strange being among the only family I know and not being able to say hello. Yes I know why Im outside looking in and I am so so afraid I wont get back, I know they will ask me if I still have feelings for you, what am I to say. Seems like I saw every body today Elsa, Otto, (leared at me) Tami, sent daggers my way, your mom and dad, I sure miss your moms laugh, Saw your dad animated as ever telling some brother about something that happened in 1918 that will apply to todays program. I saw you too, Im so sorry baby I just cant not love you, I pray for Jah to rip my heart from me so I wont feel the pain, then I pray not to lose my heart for fear I cant love at all. And so so lonely, my life has started over where it lefty off, at home go to bed alone, wake alone, over and over, another regional alone only this time absolutely alone, no invites,no conversations, no laughs with old friends. I wish I knwew you were ok, I would beg you find some one to love, break my heart completely, its worse this way, usually when someone moves on its easy they break up and maybe someday they are friendly again, this was worse to be ripped away in the middle of love, like being sent to a concentration camp, my heart still abides with you, imprissoned not knowing if you are well or okay, or sad, or happy. Looks like you have lost weight, I keep gaining it, a grotesque, hulk of a man, probably best, if I get ugly enough you will have more reason to despise me. An ugly old beast.
I raced out of the metra today, I have never ran away from there have always been able to stay, or had to stay, oh baby what have I done, please forgive me. I am not the person you fell in love with, Im now bad association, not even a brother, not marriage material nor friend material. Because I fell in love......Please forgive me....7pm and already ready for bed at least I slept all night last night, except for the thunderstorm. No one breaking the bedroom door down to scream and hit,, I know I shouldnt say it, i havent been able to tell you today......please break my heart baby, please break it in two, I cant break yours wont break it, save me....that was so so selfish I am so sorry. I am so so glad you are a part of my heart.
I know I have to somehow do whats right I remind myself I can love you I just cant be with you.
I watched you again today, I love when your hair is up, and I love to see you laughing and smiling, and how Jane holds your hand when the prayer starts. I saw you talking to the hispanic brother from bozeman, I really really like him but I was a bit jealous (I know I know) I have for what 4 years now only seen us, bungalo cottage mosquito nets blue ocean in the background, or small cottage, filled with books and a big bed with crisp sheets, the smell,of acrylic paints or wood burning, and small pastels leaning against the floor boards among scattered pieces of unfinished wadded up stories, tea in cups and charcol smudged on your nose, and I realized as I watched you laugh and touch and gesture with him that you have so much more to give so much more life, and I not realizing it have always been a dead end, and now even a ,more dead end than ever. You would be such a great wife, spiritually minded, looking forward, you have always been more spiritually inclined than the others I have known something I have never had, something I should have taken into account, And then there I went. I built a life in my heart around you, escape, and cottages and the smell of you every where. Every song today, every part on courage,made me cry, I dont want to give you up kitten, have you given me up? Have you been more courageos. I so so much though miss my best friend
I wept when you walked by just under my chair today I wanted to catch your eye, I am so much in love with you it hurts, I miss my friend, and now I realize I will never be able to speak to you again, look into your eyes again, without someone crying foul, I feel I will always love you, even when I pray so hard my chest hurts, my throat hurts because of the tears from deep inside. I wonder when you will forget me, when you will find that one spiritual man, that upstanding, loving loyal christian man to love you back. Dont forget the power you have. I cant stop loving you, on the one hand I pray for Jah to rip my heart from my chest, and then weap uncontrollably to let me have some snippet of love saved in my heart for you. What am I to do? do you have more courage than I? will you crush my feeble heart, move on to some truer love. I think how I should have been braver and taken you away, even if it meant this kind of pain, can there be greater pain? I think not, greedy selfish pain on my part, I would at least have a companion I truly love, a helpmate, but I fear the system will end before I can get back, and they will ask if I still love. and what am I to say. a resounding yes. nothing better has ever happened to me.
My life is back to being lonlier than ever, lonlier than when you came and found me, I try and try and try, and pray and pray and pray, for forgiveness. You must break my heart kitten, you must shatter it into a million pieces, I will have had at least a few moments of bliss seeing you holding you kissing you. you must not worry I will not stop loving you, I am not built that way. Remember me please, in the new system though dont grieve over me, all pain will be wiped away and the former things will be gone no more tears or crying or pain of broken heart. I wish I didnt have to write these things, I need to get them out of my head, I must have so little faith so little courage.
June 2nd
hundreds of handshakes and hugs missed
the things I lost
Hiding so I wont bump into anyone
The things I loved today, the african brothers and susters singing they have so much feeling in their voices and the smiles on their faces, and the video of the oriental girls signing the song oh my goodness how beautiful. The talk on horses and the courage they have, I coildnt watch the animals killing though,
I didnt have a picture of you one of the things I have lost. I am so sorry I have caused you so much pain
3am june 3rd praying and awake, searchin for something agonizing over, how to get back, nothing at home for me, bittterness and lonliness slavery abuse. will never be able to make the brothers understand
dont let me forget how much this hurt
Still love you. Cant stop,
have you completely left me???? have you put my heart away?? I am really missing you
saw you today again watching you gives me so much happiness. The way you laugh and your gestures. seemed to be a much harder day for me than the others. Got stuck inside at lunch was afraid to go out, but that let me see you. I prayed so much today, and cried at almost every song, just am so lost. I am never going to presume a lost one doesnt love Jehovah. Lost my voice for some reason.
do you visit here? I sometimes think you do, of course that might make it harder to let you go, do I have to? Please may I love you from afar?
june 3rd 2018
Oh poor heart you must rue the day
when upon your rusted door the tap tap tap of love comes your way,
and when you force the hinges open there love stands with flowing hair and eyes that shine
and ready lips with kisses like wine,
be oh so careful of your guarded and precious things when you speak and beg what may I do for you love, how can I help thee,
and love holds its hand out a golden key and tugs the hinges rusted free,
touches the old hardened shell and off hearts shoulders the rust will fall, like clean fresh air love offers heart to truly breathe deep and full heart will swell,
and soon inside love does dwell.
Be careful old lonely heart for soon the deeper folds love will part and upon your hardened strings one by one each love will play.
First this string and away then that string and away
With each as the harp humming love will go in and out your swinging door And as she leaves each evening a string she takes from you poor heart beating
You care not as string by string love steals, for love needs love to survive love needs love to fill its own void inside
she plucks and sings each string alone. With words love speaks so soft so sweet,
with each, heart your humble beat
Rue the day when love does play the last string, and runs upon its guilded feet toward your door now cracked and shattered love will flee,
Love will leave and loneliness deeper than before your life will be
old and feeble heart, do remember as you mend the broken hinges of your door
oft love is not to blame,
love is a flickering flame
love lives among harsh storm winds sometimes pulled by whim and fancy, but too guided by higher power love cannot be blamed old poor heart lessons of life love can impart
midnite june 4th 2018, feeling crushed
i love you and I dont know what to do I pray and pray, but it only works for a little while at a time
I thought writing what I felt would make it better, it seems to make the ache worse, I so much want to be in the new system, but cant find my way. My heart keeps standing in the way
opened my bible to this 12;47 am
9 Show me favor, O Jehovah, for I am in distress.
Anguish has made my eyes weak, my whole body* as well.
10 My life is consumed with grief
And my years with groaning
My strength is waning because of my error;
My bones grow weak
ps 31
father Jehovah, please hear my prayer, you well know who I am father, a worthless thing, pitiful, and full of sin, I beg you not let me go, it was my heart, it is my heart that keeps getting in my way, i do so much love your house and the men and women of your fold, I thank you so much for the truth you let me know and for letting me bear your name, please dont forget me, I know I shouldnt ask but must you know that for now I just cant ask I cannot ask to have love taken away from my heart completely but if you could lessen the ache please, Take away my free will father, make me do whats right, please be with Randi too, I know she did not deserve what I brought upon her, give her courage, and more faith. Also the brothers, the lambs, and lemons, the counts, the shipleys, please help mom and dad to forgive me and tara and mike continue to fortify them, help them to forgive me also. strengthen the jones's doly and basil, Tron what a wonderful brother and Tish and pete, billy and julie, Mike and kim. all of them please keep them safe, I am so sorry I wasnt the rock and crag they thought I was, im so sorry I let you down father, you had given me so so much, but I realize now I had been doing it with my own strength, I ask only for me to be forgiven in Jesus name I pray
11 I am scorned by all my adversaries,
Especially my neighbors.
And I am dreaded by my acquaintances;
When they see me in public, they flee from me.
12 I am put out of their heart* and forgotten, as if I were dead;
I am like a broken jar.
14 But I trust in you, O Jehovah.I declare: “You are my God.”15 My days* are in your hand16 Make your face shine upon your servant.Save me by your loyal love.
17 O Jehovah, may I not be put to shame when I call on you.+
I cant stop thinking about you, what am I going to do, every turn in town every silver car every girl on a bike, or jogging is you
I cant do it baby I just cant I think I saw you today, I wasnt paying attention and Im sure it was you, my poor heart sank, Ive spent the whole afternoon on the verge of tears, just on the edge of complete meltdown. I pray and pray to let the deep ache go away, but I am hooked to you. I wish I knew what to do. I feel you have completely left me, have been able to break the bond. I pray for you to have strength courage for me to have it too.
reading gods word in the morning just finished more this evening, searching for solace and strength begging for jah to kill my heart, to rip it from my chest, begging him to make me do whats right
I am still so much in love with you and I dont know what to do
I had a wonderful dream of you and I last night, you came running up to me and jumped on me I did yell no no, but you did any way and you gave me the tightest hug and kissed my neck and said you were sorry and told me it was all going to be ok, you pulled me over to sit in your car and you put your little stockinged feet in my lap so I could rub the knots out of them and we just talked and talked about stupid stuff opposums, I think because of charlies talk and because I saw a post that said possums can eat 4000 ticks a day, you reminded me how many times you had told me you loved me, We sat in the sun it was a it weird your car had a sunroof, and it didnt bother me that the river was so high I did try to stop you when you kneaded my crotch with your feet and you repeated the last few words I remember you ever speaking to me Im going to marry you someday, I woke up with a tent for you I tried to get back to sleep, I was sad but so much more peaceful, I want to believe you still will wait for me, you have told it to me so many times, a hundred times maybe, affirmed your love for me, I know its not probable and maybe its just wishful thinking on my part, but I hope thats true. I was surprised by the tent I havent had any desire at all, and have been avoiding RT, cant remember still when Ive had sex last, but I just cringe when she gets close, Im like the dog thats been beat so many times I wish I could have made the brothers understand, I should have left off years ago when I had no bills, no debt.
I think I caught her smoking pot last night too, started a drunken fight or tried to again and now dont know what to do, Ill sound like Im reaching for an exit again, plus was warned not to contact any friends, told me the congregation would get a warning talk about a DF one trying to contact witnesses, the implication was clear. But she wears me out emotionally, I know this would be easier if I were alone, the good I do for myself with my personal study wouldnt be eroded by her bad. I do know Jah sees it all.
Baby
Wherever you are I hope you have a peaceful day, and where ever you are know I love you more than ever, and wherever you are please remember me, and wherever you are I wish youll wait for me
I wish you could hear me say it, but I know it might just hurt you more. Probably hurts me too spiritually, but I think I can love and not be in trouble.
June 5-2018
The daily text was good I have the desire to do what is fine but not the ability to carry it out.—Rom. 7:18.6 The WT said Our inherited imperfection does not need to prevent us from enjoying Jehovah’s friendship or continuing to serve him. Consider this: When Jehovah drew us into a relationship with him, he knew that we would err at times. (John 6:44) Since God knows our traits and what is in our heart, he surely was aware of what sort of imperfect tendencies would be particularly troublesome for us. And he knew that we would occasionally transgress. Yet, this did not prevent Jehovah from wanting us as his friends.
Bible reading for today was psalm 38 ...
4 For my errors loom over my head;Like a heavy burden, they are too much for me to bear. 5 My wounds stink and fester Because of my foolishness.6 I am distressed and extremely downcast;I walk around sad all day long.....15 For on you, O Jehovah, I waited, And you answered me, O Jehovah my God.16 For I said: “May they not gloat over me Or exalt themselves over me if my foot slips.”17 For I was ready to collapse,And my pain was always with me....21 Do not abandon me, O Jehovah.
O God, do not remain far away from me. 22 Do hurry to help me,O Jehovah, my salvation.+
Kinda ok day, not sure if my mind has snapped or not, I seem to think every thing you post is for me. AM I FINALLY CRAZY thinking taht OMG. I got very sad this morning on the way to work. Mama elk laying in the ditch, just ripped my poor heart out I could see the tire skid marks too. Called the sherrifs office, I hope I can be part of the new system when nothing like that will happen uggh.
was on the computer most all day trying to get compliance stuff done for the state safety department, and finishing up on some Purchase orders that are due. Kitchen stuff and every thing. Poor Jayson looked really tired today I dont think i pushed him too hard. He has been doing most of the work. Its amazing how disjointed the place is. Am hoping to get a Job for andrew during the day time I can take him to work then.
I am still missing you gotta go get in the tub, cant miss any meetings....I am so funny I cant even tell if your here ever, Its become habit to write stuff which is okay, even the paper journal will mean nothing someday. HAVE I FINALLY GONE BONKERS ugggh.
oh my goodness the video for tonights meeting made me just Bawl. I am so touchy feely, every thing for the longest time gets me in my heart.
it amazes me how little R cares about the stuff going on at the kindom hall, and its only 945 pm allready a fight about going to bozeman for the meetings, I havent ridden with her to a meeting in 30 years, and now @$%!$% I dont know if I will survive a 30-40 minute car ride to boze with her, I know allready its gonna be hell. hurt pretty bad not being able to go to khall at 4pm on saturday, might ask Russ. sad and excited. Have always wanted to be able to house folks but R will have nothing to do with it, missed a huge thing, uggh. My only connection to the truth, and she is oblivious and they wonder why it was easy for me to fall in love with someone else. "Owen" do not forget how hard the songs about preaching and the new system hurt, during this time.
Sorry about being right there when you came out of the hall tonight, man I miss you, you looked marvelous
Scary dream was at work at my desk when a co worker called and said he knew no one was gonna call me but he knew I would want to know that you were in the Hospital again...UGGGH I jumped out of bed kitten, I was so scared and grabbed my pants was on my way when I realized it had been just a dream. I am so desperately in love wiyh you Randi I dont know what to do. I know Jehovah knows it too. And Im not supposed to. You have my whole heart and I ache to know if you are all right, if you are hurt or need something. And I fear you will you have left me completely, that your love is cooling off, that soon I will be a painful past memory. I know thats what I should be, I know thats where we should be. but my heart is yours, I am your servant your loyal knight
Always
ALWAYS
Yesterday started out so nasty looking, but the afterniin was just nice, have been invited to go golf on friday and was so nervous went to hit a bucket of balls but no one was golfing so did that instead. was way slow let I think four groups go by to even it out again.
I suppose there will be golf in the new system, I have never been able to think why not right.
Of course am still struggling with my heart over you, I know you will some day give up on me when we havent seen or talked for awhile, its inevitable, I wish I could have spared you so much pain, I really miss talking to you.
Always
I just wish the fighting would stop.
Always
Always
Always
upon his broken heart her hand did rest
its feeble beating within his breast
was calmed by her warm caress
her words I'll love you caused peacefulness
his world of piercing lonliness
she took away with a tender kiss
and now she has for reasons good
left him in an aching flood
to return him to a weakend mood
now his heart again begins
to ache with pain with all past sins
worse now his hearts on hopes he pins
his life would better be lost in death
to know she left his soul adrift
his heart in sorrow now bereft
It just wont end, another fight tonight,I would rather be dead any more, a life time of strife.. my life for the rst of this system is going to be this constant battle, Im right back to where I was before you, off to work alone, home alone eat alone sleep alone. wake alone and repeat....I should have had the strenght to steal her away , kidnap her, I know it would have been hard for awhile but a year ago escaping with her to something better, escaping but painful, we would have by now been reinstated, but our conciences, our hearts held us back. I ask is it better, i Presume it is for, she has escaped, but I have been relegated back to the leaky roof,, the arguments about tuna fish sandwiches and a dab of ice cream at 10pm, about a glass of mik and some crackers at 8pm as a snack, I am still just a paycheck, a body indistinct, a person, no a thing with no feelings, a thing that just serves some self centered purpose. and the things that come from her mouth. struck again, hit again slapped again, shoved again, and nowhere to turn, no one to tell, I speak to jah and I feel he calms my heart, but am not sure he sees the abuse. so so tired back to being sleep deprived, cant focus.
Turned out to be a nice afternoon in bozeman. I did get to go golfing this afternoon, The school had a scramble with prizes. payed for Dave C. he doesnt have much, and has had a lot of problems with daughters and grandaughters, drugs, jail and rehab in butte, thats how I knew about the incident there. so was glad to take him with. Our third partner could hit the ball a mile we didnt win the game but they both got a 20 dollar prize. Dave wanted to pay me back, but I wouldnt let him he has so little extra, am so glad he win aprize too. saw your post that every thing was fine. still thinking every thing you post is for me, but have started to think you have let me come to be out of sight out of mind. Listened to the recorded messages from you on my phoe thisAM, the ones from the hospital really break my heart, I should have kidnapped you taken you to some special place. im sorry now that my resolve was cushioned by the fear of heart. am still totally fully in love with her. I am in love with you kitten..I wish I could say that to you again
missing you so much uggh.
Had a very tough day today, very very dark thoughts, life just doesnt seem important, slept most of the day away I cant take the constant criticism, the nagging, and I lost something that was way to important and I know I will never get it back. I tried to talk to her about how and what is in my head and she just told me to go ahead and do it, get it over with.. just do it and get it over with,...who is this person I thought when she called my girls whores it was the wirst thing I could hear from her mouth. Life like this isnt worth it I know jah sees it but the brothers will never know. If you ever are here or find this page read my heart from its few lines , please know I will always love you, I wish I could have truly been your knight
I wish I had some way to tell mom and dad and Jeff how much I love them, I know they must hate me for wrecking your life.
always
March 18th you said good bye march 20th I lost everything, I cant believe its not even been 3 months since DF'd its unbearably long time to be away from my best friend, you are going to be my lifelong challenge. Every night you are in my dreams, every moment in my mind, I cant break your spell. Thank you for loving me
Realised hadnt shaved in a week, come hoe go right to bed, woken at 11 every couple nights by R screaming about something what a pitiful life. today is gonna be better
anioher fight when I got home, just plugged my ears and quietly said I wasnt going to fight, over and over and over. Im at my end, i cant listen to her gripe about what I didnt do today, what wasnt done in the yard, or the garage, or why I want hot dogs and not left overs, or about Andrew and Zany and them borrowing the jeep, or giving the dogs and extra treat or my brother coming or blaming me for not being able to have LDC couples stay here FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCKKK that, she never wanted any one in my home < MY HOME, MY HOUSE, her mom could stay but any one else oh noooo god forbid that... but now its because of me being df'd, I just let her rant, plugged my ears and quietly cried.
Im sorry kitten Im so sorry Im done baby, please forgive me, Pleease know I love you. If Anthony bourdaine can do it I can, it is beginning to look easier.. my whole life I have given away, my dreams my hopes, my wants. travel and ldc, and international conventions and work in foriegn counties, , for what ???? FOR THIS? FOR THIS!!! fuck this FUCK THIS,, it was such a nice afternoon . quiet, peaceful, calm, and it took a few minutes of her to drive me back to insanity , the only thing that kept me from this was the amount of stuff I had to do.......FUUUUUUCCCKKKK this, how can some one be in the truth this long and be so goddamn oblivious, so shallow, so inept, I failed in my headship, I thought my kindness, my empathy, my hospitality, my loving concern, my fellowfeeling would rub off somehow. and Im stuck with the same responsibility to make or help her be something better HAH. when does my work end, when do I get to wash my hands of it. AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH, am I responsible for her FUUUCKKING inepteitued her GOOODDAMN lack of brain power, she has drained me completely, sucked out my soul, I have no power and no one to tell, no one to listen.......
oh my im so embarassed about that little bit I never never never cuss I was going to take it out,
if the watchtower June 1st 2004 was for me thank you are so so much better at searching for answers first, I have lately been relying on my self way to much
so so tired think I missed my meds, gonna take a tylenol and go to bed
Have been extraordinarily calm since a saw a recent WT article, but still tired. R decided to go on the rampage again last night at 11. Will it ever end. OMG. I guess now Jehovah is speaking right to her, sounds just like her mom. I did confront her yesterday afternoon about smoking marijauna, what is up with that. Told her she had a week to tell Russ, Will it makew me look vindictive, am I the glass house rock thrower ugh. Had an uneventful day today at work was freezing 29 deg f this morning when will it ever stop, I should get a picture of the mountains yes it did snow today up high June 12 2018. Thought I saw Kitten going to belgrade when I left today, wanted to turn around, still hurts not being able to talk to her ( you) I still hope you visit here now and then. Got home and Andrew is here doing more yard stuff, gets under my skin a bit especially on a tuesday night, so now I have to figure out when to take him home.
If you do come here am still missing you a lot, I wish I could know somehow if your Ok. Always yours
I am wishing I had been strong enough to have swept you away from here. Or maybe we were to strong not too go
Feeling very much lost this morning, am in need of a hug, deamed of you last night, I feel you slipping away, I can't stand it, my heart aches for an I love you Owen, its been so long since I heard it, Have you left me princess? have you gained solace?
He had spent the day hunting and checking traps, to no avail, he had scrounged a few mushrooms and some wild onion and mustard, he hadn’t really cared his heart wasn’t in it, he had passed up small buck too much meat for him alone, he had been able to knock down a couple chuckars and cleaned them, but even they didn’t sound like something he wanted to eat, his horse meandered about the tall meadow grass browsing, oblivious of the lack of other horses, the old soldier wished he hadn’t sent her horse and foal back, he felt for the carved piece beneath his tunic, its lump between his fingers was little solace, and the filly and her foal wandering about with them always made him feel they were still connected. He caught his ride and led him back through the pines, the heat had driven the smell into the air, it used to amaze his senses even this odor brought him little joy. He followed the game trail back toward his empty cabin, grasshoppers buzzed about in the pine air, and a few white pine moths flitted about, he payed no attention. The scent of a pine fire brought him out of his mental mist. Had he forgotten the fire in the tiny hut, he couldn’t remember, it piqued his interest, he checked his sword and the quiver, maybe someone had stopped to visit a lost soul, a beggar, maybe a rogue soldier in need of some company, it irked him a little, but company might be nice. A few words with another human being might break the spell she had on his heart. The park opened, he noticed the door was open on the small home, and yes he could see a bit of smoke from the rock chimney. His horse snuffed and hesitated his ears checking for new noises but then stopped and settled down listening to the doorway, he thought it strange as the steed pulled a bit to hurry to the cabins porch…and then she appeared, his heart sank and noticeably his head dropped, lowered he involuntarily shook it back and forth as the tears started. A few steps more and he knew, he could see her. She too shake her head in an I’m so sorry gesture, her eyes pleaded with him, her lips quivered to speak, his knees gave way, he caved in, his horse pulled at the reins as he fell to a kneel, his heart broke. He sat back on legs stretched behind and shook his head back and forth as the tears flowed from the depths of his heart. Was it truly her? He dared look up through the cascade only to see her come off the porch and run to him, tears in her eyes, she reached him and knelt in front of him cupping his head in her gentle hands, small kisses upon his brow, his neck, his cheeks, he opened his eyes to look into hers, she was speaking, but he couldn’t hear, he reached to touch the hand upon his cheek……the creek of the old pines surrounding the cabin brought him to his reality, the darkness and a bit of smoke from the fire in the hearth, touched his now awake self. And the weeping started again, “noooo” he wailed just a dream to torment, the agony of loneliness engulfed him. I love you my princess even if you can not hear the words of feel the depth of it from this distance
The day started out with a beautiful drive to work the sun had everything in its full color the greens were greener the blues bluer, but long about noon, I took a walk because it was so nice but soon started thinking of you, and have been on the verge of tears all afternoon, I shouldnt have walked to the park up the street.
My brain says stop but my poor heart begs to know where you are, Trying to figure out what we did to lose you
Heart whispers to my brain "was it my fault Brain?"
Brain says "she is doing what’s right,"
"was it my fault" Heart aks again
No Heart not your fault, she is trying to do whats right"
Heart says "But she took part of me with her”.
"Yes I know, it will always be that way" Brain replies
"Will she bring back what she took" Heart asks,
"No Heart that’s how it works, that’s what hearts are supposed to do" Brain adds
"To give away its parts" Heart wonders
“Yes to give and not expect anything in return" says Brain
Heart begins to weep and ache " Did she mean the things she told us"
Brain pauses because now hearts tears are affecting him " Yes, she meant them when she said them"
Heart asks through his tears "do you think she still feels the things she said"
It takes Brain more time to answer now he is starting to ache "i would like to think so"
"she's doing whats right" heart questions
Again it takes Brain some time now his tears are starting, he just shrugs an answer
“she’s doing what’s right”
“do you think she hurts too” Heart asks
Through his tears Brain replies “I believe she does Heart we meant what we said to her didn’t we? How could she not. We have part of her heart don’t we”
“I’ve searched for it Brain I think she took it back, it hurts where it should be” Heart begs through tears.
Brain opens a silver covered box he has taken from one of his many pockets and gestures to heart.
Inside is the tenderest part of her heart, beautiful, timid
“it hurts” Heart says
Through more tears “Yes” Brain sniffs
“it hurts”
"What will happen to this wonderful thing" Heart pondered
"im sorry Heart" Brain began " if she doesnt come to visit, or replenish it with her words of afffection it will be put with all the other boxes I take care of"
"Noooo" wailed Heart "I wont let that happen"
"I Know you will do your best Heart" Brain continued "but you see its not up to us, the same happens in her heart with your part, if we stop telling her that we love her, or we dont get to speak, or touch, your part will be put away by her brain, thats what brains do" Brain paused the tears still coming. "I'm sorry heart its why we ache now, we only have hope and we keep her part with us only by our own power, sadly as it often happens the other one is the one who lets the box be put away, you see love can only flourish if its nourished by love"
Brain could'nt hold the tears now and he could see them stream and build like a river carrying more wonderful memories along into his consciousness and box after silver covered box began opening inside Her smiles and laughter in one box. Her anguish and her tears in another, the smell of her hair, and the feel of her hand in his in another. With each open box Heart wept too
Randi I still love you so so much, and I miss you so so much
Kitten what am I supposed to do, Randi, my love, my princess, Im so lost, My heart is so full of you, you visit me in my dreams with sweet tender kisses on my neck and whispers in my ears, that everything will be all right, I hear your voice affirming you love me, but my daytimes are fraught with agony and pain, my head tells me its futile, but my heart yearns for something more, have you forgotten me, will you forget me. You’ve cast a spell on my heart, that is complete, I close my eyes and see you smiling laughing, I can feel your sock clad feet in my hands caressing kneading the ache from them, In my mind I can kiss your tender lips. You visit my dreams, with tender kisses, words of love in my ears, I can feel you biting my neck nibbling the lobe on my ears and I feel your secret spot moist with readiness, these are with me, I still feel the warmth where my fingers journeyed, caressed, entered. Your whispered I love you haunt my psyche, you begging me to take you, your gentle hand upon me. What have I done to be so tormented by your sweet love. Even now knowing my eternal life is at stake, I meant what I said…Always yours Kitten, forever yours my princess, my heart is yours Randi, still yours, always yours, forever yours
Help......please...Help...please...help
I Love you Randi
Dear diary 2:45 am
I woke up this morning 2am June 17 2018 and stared at the ceiling in the dark and wept. Do you know what it feels like to be completely alone? Your heart stops. I had this lovely maiden come into my life several years ago, at the time I was a lonely old man, she gently blew upon the flickering ember that was my heart and made it come back to life. She became half of me, spoke of her love to me, let me find joy again at a time when I needed it most. I told her to be careful with my heart, to be gentle with my heart, that she had so much power. I thought I was alone then, home alone, sleep alone, to work alone, eat alone, meetings alone, assemblies alone, home alone, eat alone, sleep alone, over, and over,, and over, but now my very breath has left me, my heart sits in complete darkness, crushed, hardening with nothing to make it soft again, hardening because hearts need love to live, HEARTS need love to live, HEARTS NEED LOVE TO LIVE and I am back to, home alone, eat alone, sleep alone, but with absolutely no one to talk to. Did you know man wasn’t created to be alone? Yes I now understand what alone means. Why because she has left me, there were no good byes, I see her now and then, and she turns her head away. I had not know loneliness until now. Yes I do know whats right, yes I do know what I am supposed to do, yes I do. If I had known that one day every single one of my spiritual family would hate me, I might have been more careful, but I doubt it, my heart yearned for that gentle breath upon its ember, my heart begged for HER breath to warm my soul, so no I wouldn’t have been.
Do you know what loneliness feels like, it’s like being held under water, your heart begins to beat faster, and you thrash about, your lungs fight to hold the last bit of oxygen they have to survive, each second heart faster, each second chest tightens more, you fight not to exhale any precious air, but bubbles escape, you fight to the surface to blow and gulp a smaller bit of ether and then under again, heart racing beating thumping in your ears, lungs burning, chest heaving, mind racing fighting for reasons, racing thinking about why, careening from one memory to the next to the last thing you remember about her. I know why we are apart now but its no solace. I have always been the one to give every thing to the other, and now again I have returned to my natural state every person I have ever loved has left me, so it should be simple, I should be used to it, its happened enough times. But this time was the worst. And each time I write something I think it will help but no one sees this, its futile, words written that no one reads words written that aren’t heard, words to my self, lonely words by a broken man that will never be shared….had to stop started crying again…maybe they will words I can reread someday with hurting. HEARTS NEED LOVE TO LIVE Hearts need to be told they are loved to live, HEARTS NEED TO BE TOLD THEY ARE LOVED TO LIVE, I have no one left that truly loves me
LOST TODAY
10 Remove your plague from me.
I am worn down because your hand strikes me.
11 You correct man with punishment for his error;+
You consume the things he treasures just as a moth does.
Surely every man is but a mere breath.+ (Selah)
12 Hear my prayer, O Jehovah,
Listen to my cry for help.+
Do not ignore my tears.
For I am but a foreign resident to you,+
A traveler passing through,* just like all my forefathers.+
13 Turn your harsh gaze away from me so that I may cheer up
Before I pass away and I am gone.”
SO SO SO ALONE 6-18-18
!0:30 pm
6-18-18 My brother showed up today I havent seen him in so so long, the rest of the local family is pretty mad, I haven’t shared him yet, Kids and such and can see the hesitation in him. He was absent for some time in their lives, I can see they want time with him so told them the next few days were theirs, was huge fun, of course we are just alike, same funny bone as dad, and same peaceful heart and calmness as mom, learned a few extra things about dad and his last coniving wife, cash and inheritances that she stole, shared some stories back and forth, painful things, …like how R hid phone calls from my moms second family from me about how sick she was until she was dead, learned about my dads ex wife conniving a second house and the whole farm from my dad, crazy how the heart can do anything for love.
Went to dinner at Rib/chop dad and mom and Russ were there, hurt a lot to see them, they all stopped to say hello to Ronda on the way out, I barely could hold my emotions together, having to ignore people I really love Is very hard, very very hard. Was more difficult today than ever, had wanted Jeff to meet my brother, I know he would have loved him, and had such a great time. Delores can reeeeely cuss though, she held it together really well. Ronda Jekyl, and Ronda Hyde stayed pretty sane.
My emotions have been checked all day, am missing Randi very much, she would have loved Zane too, not sure about Delores, I think you would have been a gracious host.
Started the day emotionally a wreck. The last few days without …..knowing wether Randi is Ok has killed me have been ready to burst into tears all day, was glad for the diversion of my brother visiting. Had been worried that he was coming to visit because he was dying, but I guess Delores has been a big casino winner over the last few months, I don’t know if that’s good or bad…any way, am taking them down to the park tomorrow. Try to se a few things so they can enjoy more of it. He leaves Thursday. Zane looks very very old, not very well, and Delores is like 15 years older than he is, love knows no bounds.
Of course now at the end of the day am thinking of her…..Kitten I wish I knew if you were ok.
Well off to bed…if I haven’t told you today………………………..I love you Where ever you are.
Off to bed alone, and awake alone. Its only worldly family but it’s the most love Ive felt for a long time.
you were in my dreams again last night.UUUGGGH
2 For your arrows have pierced deep into me,
And your hand presses down on me.+3 My whole body is sick* because of your indignation.There is no peace within my bones because of my sin. 4 For my errors loom over my head;+
Like a heavy burden, they are too much for me to bear. 5 My wounds stink and fester
Because of my foolishness. 6 I am distressed and extremely downcast;I walk around sad all day long. 7 There is a burning within me;*My whole body is sick.+8 I have grown numb and become completely crushed;My anguished heart makes me groan aloud.*
9 O Jehovah, all my desires are before you,
And my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength is gone,
And the light of my eyes has left me.
4 “O Jehovah, help me to know what my end will be,And the measure of my days,+So that I may know how short my life is.*...12 Hear my prayer, O Jehovah,Listen to my cry for help.+Do not ignore my tears.For I am but a foreign resident to you,+
A traveler passing through,* just like all my forefathers.+13 Turn your harsh gaze away from me so that I may cheer up
Before I pass away and I am gone.”
I know I shouldn't say it but I am missing my girl very very much. i am completely lost without her. completely and utterly lost.
I love you Kitten
dreamed wonderful tender things about you, Your tender kisses, caresses, the feel of your hand upon me the wetness of you wrapped around me holding me tight urging me with your hips, the smell of your skin, so vivid the wonderful whispered I love yous, and now this morning again awake in my prison, under bonds physically with no sight of freedom and under bonds in my heart with memories of you and something so so precious, like bag of gems or you my pearl of high value stolen from my life
I wish I could tell you that I love you Randi,
You are so beautiful
Ugggghhh. What a long couple days its been, Brother Zane showed up to visit like we hadn’t been apart for so long, finishing sentences the same way at the same time. The park Yellowstone was good but Delores ( his live with girlfriend) cant walk or go very far. Because of COPD, so it was a chore for her just to get up the stairs at old faithful in and get ito the bathroom, and of course it was a bit cold, so they were both freezing to death, and what fiasco Zany girl and Andrew have going. Christian is back and got his old job back, he is staying in their trailer, with Shae Lyn, his daughter, Ashton (Andrews son 11 years old) is with them for the summer, and now for at least the next few days Zara and as far as I know now and two little girls are with them. WOW,
So all were at the house last night and of course Ronda was good up until she wasn’t which was like 25 minutes tried to tell Chris something about how to raise kids and Chris vowed not to come back and stormed off and went home. She sure is a piece of work, I just am torn, does Jehovah really want me to stay, does he not see, am I trying to please a hand full of men or Jah, my poor head gets full of all of it, just makes me so tired.
thursday afternoon 6-21-18
Well had to bail from the big group, am just tired, I think my brother got to finally escape, close to noon, they wanted to leave like 9am. His second oldest daughter decided with the help of her mom to travel down to see him, and even though she knew he was here just till today, Thursday, they show up at like 2am this morning to crash, brought her dead beat boyfriend. So breakfast this morning was 10 people, yesterday breakfast was 8 different people, I wonder if my disfunctional family does stuff on purpose. Then I have my head constantly thinking about Randi. Kitten I cant stop loving you, and I don’t know what to do. I went down this afternoon at 1230 I guess to have one beer by myself, and I saw your car so I drove right by, but then my heart got the best of me and said go back you are going to bump into her someday, but as I got a little way into my beer I began to imagine you were at lunch with someone else and I almost started crying in the bar. Even now when I think about it I agonize over it. I know I have no control over what she is going to do, I just hang on desperately to hearing her say “I’m going to marry you some day” and every time I think my heart is getting better or at least calmer Ronda does another bone head thing to a member of my fam. So it makes it harder to follow through. ☹ ☹ ☹
I realized again today how trapped I am.
the Princesses name name is needed to pass
