More Owen Stuff Page 3
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           wow, 

Same rules apply as the other pages

please remember these things are my deepest feelings, and only mine.
Crazy That I could fill two full pages
Struggling a lot this afternoon, missing her a lot, I knew it would hurt but not this much hard not speaking to my best friend, Im not sure thats fair, just talking to her, UGGGHHH  Miss you Randi
Laid down for a nap, and dreamed, I cant keep doing this.  I am hooked to her, my whole heart and soul, I pray and pray to calm my heart, but im not sure my heart is in control of my dreams. So I talk to my head,  I know I have no control im constantly in this whirlwind of emotions
I sure miss the card dealer
He sat on the big stone by the pool, a few tears welled up, he lay back on the warm rock and daydreamed, it hurt but the memories warmed his heart. It was a day just like today. Every few warm days he would come down to the pool to bathe and shave, she hated it when he shaved, but he liked the professional look it gave him. He would steal some of the soap she made, he had tried to copy the recipe since she had been gone, to no avail, lanolin oil, peppermint, oat bran, and some kind of wood oil. It was perfect for shaving and even though it made him smell like a bit feminine he didn't care. He had just gotten out of the pool still glistening to sit on the rock to shave when he heard her coming through the trees. Her mare and foal followed behind meandering from this choice clump of grass to the next. When she caught sight of him she skipped up quickly with a good morning hug, and tender sweet kiss. "Mmmm you smell just like a girl". She pealed off her dress down to her white underwear and waded into the pool, disappeared into the cool water. She came back dripping smiling for the soap, another kiss and into the pool to lather her hair. The tears began a bit in the corner of his eyes he opened them to the present blue sky and groaned, again eyes closed the daydream started. She had coaxed her mare into the pool and splashed her, brushed her, patted her, glided around and around talking to the her, every now and then the horse would nod and buck and frolic listening to her voice ears flicking. Waiting for the maiden to kiss her pink nose, all the while her the foal whinnied and danced back and forth just at the edge of the pool into the water just above his hocks he would kick and buck into the water then back into the shade snorting and chortling as he watched his two favorite creations play in the pool.
He ached remembering how beautiful she was, she would jump up on the mares back and hug her neck, then stand and dive into the wet, to bubble up swim back and dive again, her undergarments wet and clinging against her porcelain skin, outlining each curve of her body, he imagined for a few seconds how her skin felt, the taste of her neck, the smell of her hair, how her skin felt under his hands, the taste of her special spot. He opened his eyes to clear the memory, he had gotten hard, the blue sky hurt his wet eyes, he could hear her vow to love him "ALWAYS" it rocked his heart, her affirmation "FOREVER" shook him, he prayed for calmness, closed his eyes back  to the daydream he had soaped his beard and started shaving when she stood again on the mares back and pulled her linens off tossing them toward the bank, landing at the edge in front of her new pony, he snorted and galloped up the hill, she stood naked looking coyly at him dove in, emerged and swam to the far end stood for a second and them back, strong smooth strokes, cutting the water and up close to the rock, then stood in front of him dripping leaned in for a kiss and then back into the pool full long strokes to the far side, the memory of her form made him open his eyes to clear the thoughts, she swam for several minutes then up to the rock, again standing beautiful, naked, she took his knife to clean up the edges of his face where he missed, smoothing each cheek to find the stubble. A kiss then shave, a kiss then shave. He opened his eyes again blinking the tears away, the rest of that long ago morning, was their last together, her tenderness toward him, the slow hours and warmth of their love making, her affirmations of love. He had to walk about in the heat of the now,  pace about to get that long ago day out of his mind, walk about in the smell of the pines, he plunged into the pool to cool his desires, to wash the pain. For a few seconds he knew he could go under, his heart told him end it, his brain pondered what drowning would be like, could it be more painful than existence with out her. He waded back to the rock his hope of someday, his dream of someday, kept him from quitting. The pain came back as he found his horse. He meant it when he had told her "Always" his whole being swore to the truth of "Forever". He cursed himself "she can't still care" then outloud "she left old man, yes not that she wanted to, but she's gone not a word from her, nothing", She has a dozen handmaidens all easily capable of sneaking something" He stopped himself crashed to his knees knowing she had to abandon him, only because her very life depended on it. He sobbed knowing, she had to leave to save him, had to stay away to save herself. He only guessed she had as much pain, he only guessed she was in anguish just as he was. But the nagging doubt of how could such a beautiful woman, a young princess be in love with a crotchety old man. He stood "Enough" he bellowed " Enough old man, you'll just ache the rest of the day" . He put away the day dream he walked up to his horse as he tightened the saddle down, put his foot in the stirrup and swung up. " An ale or two will wash the hurt away and leave the glow of good memories" he lied to himself.


Always

She started another fight tonight after I, told her she needed to tell Russ about smoking weed, she got really angry, so strated screaming and hitting, ripped my necklece off, I begged her to stop, and she told me to get a spine to man up and stop crying at the meetings, so I asked her if she knew how it felt to be disfellowshipped , she asked me how does it feel sarcastically, and I told her I was dead to every one, I had no family or friends and my only connection to the truth was her, and she sneered at me, then I said if I died no one could come to my funeral, ....and she told me she wouldnt either...it came down to she would cremate me and put me in a box hide my ashes on the shelf...Why am I fightings so hard to stay here, I pray and pray to Jah to listen, I fear he doesnt hear...and here I am an idiot writing this down for no one to see.  completely alone...730pm 6-22-18
If you ever come here Kitten, I miss you, I love you, Im sorry.
Now the time has come


The music's between us
Though the night seems young

Is at an end

Only change will bring
You out of the darkness
In this moment everything is born again
Reach up for the sunrise
Put your hands into the big sky
You can touch the sunrise
Feel the new day enter your life
Reach up for the sunrise
Put your hands into the big sky
You can touch the sunrise
Feel the new day enter your life
Now the fireball burns
We go round together
As the planet turns into the light
Something more than dreams to

Watch out for each other

Coz we know what it means to be alive
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6/24/2018

Wow yesterday was horrible Ronda was on the fight right away,  so I went out side early and started moving all that road mix, the guy got it all dumped in one spot about 10 yards, neighbor showed up with his plow and at least got the big part knocked down but its as hard as a rock once you put the blade to it. He ran over the birdbath and you no who had a cow,screaming out the window. I told him it was ok, stuff on the construction sites get bumped all the time. Went to arrowhead to look at the roof but found a fire alarm instead, so need to go back today. Of course Randi is always on my mind still, I really miss seeing her talking to her.  I got into such a dark mental state too, but this morning a bit better, am sure it will be bad at the meeting as usual not being able to speak to any one.

I sometimes wish we had telepathy, or something like it I just cant stand being in love with someone and not knowing if they are ok.

 Ronda continues to prove she doesnt love me, I hope Jah can see it all, I know it will all be ok if I get into the new system.  She said some horrid horroble things to me the other night, I'm supposed to be trying but Ive known how little she cares about ither people, if I were single now and knew her, I wouldnt give her the time of day.. Uggghh Time to pray for more strength.
I sail upon the sea of my heart
Wave after wave my bow does part
Dark moonless tempest night 
In search of my future happiness or plight
Into darkness my frail eyes peer
In search of someone lost some one dear
To find the one like pearls lost
To brave each black wave at all cost
Sails left then right I tack
No going forward no going back
Like Oddyseus I search the bays of troy
To find a princess to regain my joy
I fear the journey will my patience drown
And as Orpheus of old did turn around
To hear the feet of Eurydice his loved one
A mere shadow, to lose, to fail, again be done 
I brave the storm of heart as a madman
In love I fell as did young Majnun
Who’s verse’s from his place of lonely hiding
Poems and letters of love abiding
To Layla the beautiful maiden he scribed
In the end his love for her denied
Does she sail too, through hearts strong waves
Does she search each cove each cave
Or has love if any for the sailor poor
Been shut locked forgotten behind her hearts door
Was he a gem desired now hidden
Or has he from her sweet heart been ridden

Yesterday so bad I broke the rules and texted Jeff, to tell him I was sorry that I missed him and loved him.  The words between the lines were cries for help, I'm not sure what to do when the darkness takes over.  Would any one care if I were gone, would it take longer to get back if I left, would they misconstrue my actions, I need to escape somehow, even if it means living in a cardboard box. Does all this stuff really mean that much to me?
Am I so stuck to possessions that I cant break free. or is it the cost monetarily, will Jah know? does he see those who are outside?  I believe he is the hearer of prayers. But I am a sinful pitiful man, full of cravings, full of loss, full of aching heart, wanting to do what is right but caving in to lost love. 
I pray this applies to me, but fear it doesnt because of where I am personally:
Isaiah 41:13 13 For I, Jehovah your God, am grasping your right hand,The One saying to you, ‘Do not be afraid. I will help you.’+
Have you left me, do you still love me, are you OK, 
I was so glad you got your priviledge of commenting back.  When I heard you start commenting today, I closed me eyes and could see you sittting right in front of me looking speaking right to me with your hands holding mine, it was wonderful and sad and beautiful all at the same time
Wanted to relate my day today 6/25/18
Started out pretty good of course prayers to Jah about all the wonderful things he has given to me, and to forgive me, then spent the rest of the day trying to catch up on old work, of course every hour or so thought about Randi. Had a huge drunken  fight last night about Randi. R asked if I felt something when she commented and I told her I was glad she got her privileges back and it was   a hurricane of hitting, and kicking and insults, so I didn’t get much sleep,  of course I didn’t tell her my deepest thoughts, how can I begin to even like someone who left me alone, who told me and proved to me how little she cared, and she doesn’t still care about any one else, she ran Chris off last week. Tonight had a chat with her but she just doesn’t get it she tells me “Jehovah tells her” yes she really does thing Jah speaks directly to her, ( I know , I know), and she has done it time and again her mom has influenced her, yes it borders on apostasy, but WHO IS GOING TO BELIEVE ME. NO ONE!!!!!
So  today was full of  calling plumbers and roofers, and boiler guys, so I didn’t get much real work done, I helped Jayson with some brazing I could tell he was nervous, but I knew he could do it, it took him a couple times, his first weld looked really good but didn’t hold so he had to start over,  I just told him it was all good, its just how it goes and he just needed practice, I always say it took me 25 years, 3 weeks, 2days, 4 hours and 15 minutes to learn how, he just laughs. I got off work late and went and had beer at MAP, I just couldn’t go home, and Chris texted me to meet for beer at Bridger brewing, so we had one there and then home.
Baby Im so so sorry I had that much beer I wanted to find you and bury my face in the crook of your necjk and apologize, put my face next to your ear and say Im sorry, whisper into it and ask you if it was ok, smell your hair, weep with tears upon your shoulder to ask if all was ok, to apologize for getting so lost, and when I got home, to the place that should be peaceful, to the hiding place of calm, all I heard about was how bad my family was, my daughters the whores, my nephew the pot addict who doesn’t know how to raise kids.  I am soooo lost, I miss my friend
Chris told me today to change the locks, to put the house up for sale, to forget about my religion or I was going to die, “ I almost cried he was so right on, Jeff told me the other day to get away. Oh how many times has he told me that 100’s 1000’s of times, what should I do How can I do it, they are so so right.
I found myself, I left the brewery, or rather after beers at Katabatic, I saw a volks wagon van parked in  front from Quebec, so I stopped to ask the two guys how they had gotten to Livingston, what a wonderful conversation, I became me I was Owen again for a few minutes, talking to them about the hitchhiking they had done through India and south America, Mexico, the US  one was from Quebeque, the other from Holland, it was crazy nice, and I got to feel the joy, the happiness of old me for a few minutes, Talked about whether they felt safe, and how they had managed, and how for a few years they had brought their kids with them to explore.  I asked if I could come with..they said climb aboard, I wish I would have bought them beers at Katabatic, the Belgian  fellow wasn’t to impressed with American beer..DUUUUH beer actually started there  in Belgium right…
Of course once home R could care less, it never amazes me how little she cares about other people, what an amazing story what an amazing journey, I told them my best friend and I always wanted to travel and race Baja……ugggghhh that hurt,  I did get a text back from jeff he told me the same thing about leaving,  the brothers as old as they are would never understand, I would never get back in if I left now,  Chris made me cry when he told me R was going too kill me, I’m afraid he is right.  By the way I miss you and yes still love you so much, now my secret. Please don’t forget me Kitten

woke up mad this morning, and sad, dreamed about you, followed you about every where ignoring me, sobbed. Each time you were there no speaking to me, shunning, and I couldn't understand how after giving you my heart vowing Always to be yours you could turn me away, I tried to understand what it was I had done to hurt you enough for you to ignore me to hate me.  But after being awake, I calmed down, knowing, well rather hoping you didnt feel that way, and I know we are trying to do whats right, I just dont want you to become some hazy memory, and am fighting that every day. Have you left me, put me away?

Always
I think my dream from last night monday affected me more than I thought, to believe we are never going to speak again, to believe we wont be able to be strong enough, to believe that as friends a hello a smile a laugh a what are you doing, how have you been, is an impossibility to believe that as adults we are not going to be friends...uggh you are my best friend,  Kitten you are MY BEST FRIEND and that is what hurts the most  It hurts horribly not to speak to Jeff, but even more not speaking to you (well thats how I feel, I cant know or wont know if you have left off our friendship). To believe that we are going to be babysat at every corner as adults makes me first mad then very sad.  So when I came home last night with a little headache I went to bed,  LOL now though just as always I fear that a single missed meeting here or there will be held against me, and feel guilty.
I knew Moses mom waited 3 months before putting him in the basket, I knew his sister watched and when Pharaoh's daughter pulled him from the water she went and offered to find a nurse maid. BUT I did not know Pharaoh's daughter paid them to nurse him, that it was when "he grew older" How long was it 2-3-4 years she brought him to pharaoh's (thought maybe I shouldn't capitalize that) daughter, and that pharaohs daughter is the one that named him Moses
silly stuff friends would share
I loved the old picture, have often thought you looked like Judy Garland...PS Judy wsnt in gone with the wind, if you knew your ladies name you could google maybe she is in it
Having a tough time today have never been in love and not been able to express it as soon as I begin to pray for help I just start getting all weepy and choked up. Bad only when I am not busy or especially when. I am driving home or work. Stayed pretty busy today had to put a lockset on. a door then spen t time on a roof with the insurance adjuster,  uses up the afternoon's trying to get some locks fixed for the softball complex Chelsea was there unloading water with her boys they always make me laugh the youngest carries a case of water at a  time and I think it weighs more than he does  helped my pal Dave from heck get his new generator  going he was really bummed out, brand new, I called the factory to get hints and off it went. Gonna miss him when he retires.chris has been after me to go have beer every night with him, not sure I can do that all the time, glad he is working though, and Zany wants to borrow lil blue Friday and of course that means all weekend ugh. I know you wont every see this and no one will ever care about this and all the junk I put on here.  But I am still in love with you. 
Up again way early, could'nt sleep, you were in my dreams again.  I'm such a mess I saw your post on the book and stars, I think every post is for me, im such an idiot.  I stayed up to see some but the moon was so bright very few popped up, the brightest ones well planets really. So I'm sure my dreamed was keyed by that.  I dont even know how we got to the forest, but were laying cuddled under the blankets looking at billions of stars and I cuddled up and you told me all about them, at some point I fell asleep and woke stocking footed and blanket around my shoulders, whispering your name, and then meandering about from camper to camper knowing in my heart you had left me for someone else, and crazy I truned the corner around a big trailer and was in town meandering about looking, of course I stoped at the middle school to do some work in a class room, wich was crazy and woke up.  Baby, I am not going to make it, my whole soul is tied to you.
UGGGHH, had a pretty good day, but worn out tonight, I cant keep getting up so early,, Trying to balance all the hats I have at work, not getting much real work done, lately. of course randi Is always in the back of my head.

6/28/2018
I may write love songs that no one sings
I may write poetry that touches no heart
I may write stories of adoration that no ear rings
I may write memos for love to impart

Im sure foolish, they will brand me
When the verse or prose are found
Each will peer past as I weep on bended knee
Then only really know me when Im buried underground

How could her love be so tender
Upon my skin and in my soul
To find she just a lender
And leave my heart so cold

I found a sweet lady
To whom my affection gave
Under bow and branches shady
From the dark internal cave

Upon her breast Id lay my head
Upon her neck my love always vow
In her heart I had hoped to tread
And sweet kisses upon her brow

I placed my heart blue upon her finger
Vanished though her love has flown
My deep love for her does linger
Glad I am to have her, known

Empty this morning, woke this morning  12 am to a great void, the hole in my heart is getting bigger,  I fight a battle on the one side I cry from my heart for her, on the other side I cry from my head to Jah, and they crash together my hearts great sea waves against my head the rocks of the solid shore. I want so much to know she is ok, I ache to hear her voice, crave her touch. still it's only me, only my wants, only my needs she has left, and in her passing my heart tells me I'm losing her, her voice, her smell, her laugh, gone in my life forever, and the hole grows bigger having nothing to fill the void.

MY HEART IS BREAKING 
Horrible horrible fighting last night, am ashamed of myself, it usualy takes a few weeks of keeping it in.  Last night as soon as I was home, trying to have a bite to eat and  listening to her like a broken record the same thing over and over, calmly get it is settled then 5 minutes she is back to the same thing, get it settled gain, 10 minutes, settled, 5 min., settled, 15 min same, pleading with her to stop begging her to stop,  3 hours I broke, told her to get out, I went in and started taking all of her clothes from the closet told her she was going to get out, so she calms down knowing I meant it. But know I am so angry so angry. So ashamed of myself I couldnt approach jehovah. During the course of it all I got a few new bruises, a cut under my left eye, she knocked another door loose, and popped a hole in the bedroom wall with the door knob. Then at midnight she starts in again after promising I dont know a dozen times over the evening she would stop, I begged her to stop crying pleading for her to stop. I went out and down stairs to sleep and she folowed me back and forth from bedroom to bedroom up the  stairs down the stairs, up and back trying to escape the constant harangue.  There is no resoning with her.
read the daily text and then started into the WT comments and cried, how did I become so not me last night, the mental battle of holding back under the verbal attacks. And no one left to tell, every one I love has abandoned me, no one to turn too right now except Jah, and my shame of losing my temper hinders me, will he listen Ive been to him thousands of times and yet my own heart cant seem to change, I am a modern day Paul, my heart wants to but my flesh wars against it all.
Happy 30th of the month anniversary
        3-20-18 

     its only been 
   4 months today
Thank you for Chopin
Here I am again, I am desperately in Love with a young lady, I cannot seem to get her out of my heart or my mind.

Do you remember the color of my eyes
Do you hear my whispered I love you against the curve of your neck
Do you smell the aroma of my skin
Do you listen to  the melody of my voice when I sing
Do you taste my tender kisses
Do you embrace my need against your skin
Do you feel the roughness of my hands
Do you crave my fingers on your thigh
Am I now a forgotten dream
Am I now just rubbish tossed aside
Am I  a mere passing guest in your life
Am I now just folly
Am I brushed off dust.

I remember
I hear
I smell
I listen
I taste
I embrace
I feel
I crave
you are not forgotten
you are not rubbish
you are not a passing guest
you were not folly
you are not dust
7-1-2018  Hating life today, hating people for abandoning me, I  sit here and BEG for love, GROVEL, for love, PLEAD for love, for some sign that I am OK, for some word, I know whats right and wrong, I know why my life is like this, I fell in love and lost AGAIN, Ive lost homes and property and dignity because of loving, I've now lost my life in armageddon for loving, like Adam who couldnt bear losing his love, I've been tossed aside like rubbish, trash strewn about buried, forgotten, to rot I lost my e-life for what. Every time all 4 times I thought I was in love, Ive been crushed, kicked out of my house, cheated on, kicked and hit and abused and now, just forgotten. Yes she had to, her life is involved too, I beg Jah will cure my ache, I beg Jah will make his promise that all pain will pass away all sorrow.  I dont know how he will cure my heart.  I have to hang on believing he hears me, today I am promising my self to never love again it only brings pain, and loss, every one flings those three words about willy nilly, I love you means nothing any more
CLOSED
I miss you so much
so so tired, drained, I gave my heart away, fell in love, only to be left behind, I need to know if she still loves me, I ache to know if Im worth any thing, It seems Ive been left behind so many times, am I not lovable. I found myself hating you, I was standing in the garage trying to figure out what I was going to next, and it came up into my head, I cried, stood there and sobbed, believing you had stopped loving me, knowing you have.  I had to remind myself you were doing what was right, but I began hating you and Jeff for abandoning me here with no way out. Im sorry I don't.  Not at all its my own fault.  I love you
YOU PROMISED ME FOREVER, YOU PROMISED ME ALWAYS I NEED TO KNOW,... I NEED TO KNOW, ...I NEED TO KNOW, PLEASE..UUUGHHH PLEASE. BABY I NEED TO KNOW DID YOU MEANT IT, DID YOU MEAN IT...
When you walk away from Ronda and she isnt done with you she reaches around you from behind and digs her nails in, I told every one at work my dog jumped on me, Id show a picture of where she kicked me when I turned around but its in a bad spot
No one believes me,................. I cant get out...
I built an escape dream with a woman I fell in love with, 
warm ocean winds,  sails folded in a blue cay, with sandy beaches, 
tiny cabanas with white satin sheets, a typewriter and a place to draw, 
a small cottage with just enough room to chase each other, 
a cabin in the woods, where we could hide and just nurture each other.
Simple meals and walks or runs together, hands together on a veranda with tea
Wine and cheese in open fronted cafe's on sunny streets.
Reading and watching her knit and listening to her hum.
Laying with her in peace, listening to her midnite breathing
spooning behind her kissing her soft skin and smelling her hair.
But we were to afraid
we wanted to love but wouldnt
wanted to escape but couldnt
and now I'm lost,
my heart burns to see her
my mind whirls with her memory, her smile and her voice, and her laugh.
and here I am contemplating emptiness
arguing life or death, or death or life.

and she left me....yes with good reason....but I cant leave her

every scripture breaks my heart every song, every prayer, Ive become the lowest of creations, I realized today that if I were free right now I would be the worst choice for marriage, it wouldnt matter at all who I had been, Just a man, not even a brother, and when I get reinstated, just a man, not a pioneer, or a servant, low hanging fruit to pick from, no matter how good my heart is, how generous I am, how much I love the truth,.......I hope I can say that
I'm not sure if you struggle as I do, this has been the hardest time I have every had or can remember,
 I'm proud of you, very much so, doing whats right, you seem to be much more calm, and at peace, I hope I am still somewhere in your heart, I can understand why if I'm not, ....I think I can but thinking that makes me hurt.... I am sorry I cant seem to get better, I'm sure it's because I have no peacefu; time at home, it has alwasy been a struggle to stay on an even keel, I believe it would be easier if I didnt have to fight back as much as I do, it would be easier if I could just get a few days of peace in a row, to get my mind away from the battle against hatred and ignorance.  I know I should
nt say it but because havent told you today........I still love you.......Always
I got just a glimpse of you tonight,I cant help but say you are so beautiful, thank you for sharing some of your life with me.
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow’d to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair’d the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

– Lord Byron 
Although it may never amount to any thing Im sure it will never publish and it is really my story (our story in my head)
I realized I should have named the Princess and the Knight
The Knight:

I like Rowand

Because her name wraps around his like a blanket, he may be the protector in image she was / is the thing that saved him
 
The Princess:

Oranin ( to masculine)

Ra'zjean (I like this)

Idnar'i  ( I like this, proud but also individual, Unique only 1)

Idnarsi ( I like this backwards -is randi there is only one of her)

her name more important,

oooh la la sounds so french


Well again got home from a very nice day to a fight, I just dont know what to do, I have tried to help the woman, by example to be kind, and humble, hospitable, empathetic, and she has run off Andrew today, I just dont know how to explain it to the brothers, how can someone be in the truth so long and still be so mean, so arrogant. had a quiet tearful talk begging her to just be kind. reminded her that drunkards, and wrathful ones and abusive ones wont inherit either, of course I felt so hipocritical.......


I think what hurts the most, is I found someone who truly cared about me...and now for me to live I have to fix someone who doesnt
I just ask for peace its what I bring
  she cant do it, she has never been able to do it, 

Help mee,......................help ,,,,............. help mee..........help....
she is going to kill me, this is going to kill me
7-6-2018
awake early 3am, no sleep left in the bed, and a bit sad, spent some time with you in a dream.  I came out of the post office and there you were, at first I heitated and wanted to go back inside, I was afraid you were just going to ignore me, but you came up the steps and reached out your hand and smiled, you started talking right away like nothing was wrong nothing had changed, coffee you asked, we went toward the coffee shop by the show house but you led me into that little door to the north of it, we went in and sure enough a coffee shop, i asked if this is where you hide from me, but you just kept talking, about humming birds, and cat tricks, and how you were still trying to be better at spanish, I just listened, wanted to ask you so many things, you let me hold your hand, my heart was gone, probably in a drawer somewhere.  you asked how I was, of course I wanted to say that I missed you terribly, and that I still loved you all the junk I seem to dwell on, but you listened as I tsalked about Andrew helping at the house painting and mowing, Ive been paying him, and he always looks sheepish because I prolly give him too much, of course I told you not to tell R. (funny now that I am awake that you would tell her anything) then you told me about a new knit one pearl two stitch you had started, how your mom wanted you to move back in, I was going to ask where you lived, but didnt I kept listening and just looking at you, you are so so beautiful. Then I closed my eyes for a second and just wanted to soak up your voice, and I woke up...tried and tried to get back to the dream, wanted to tell you how Id taken Ashton on a hike and how I finally felt good enough to clrean the garage out, and how Lil Blue has been running, and so so much more...
  I really dont know what I am going to do.  I know in a few months I can ask to be reinstated, but what will I tell the brothers if they/ when they ask me about you.  I cannot stop missing , you loving you, you were the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I havent been able to tell you in months. and may never be able too.

Always
Saw 2 guys drinking beer big smiles, sparkling eyes,
tipped back in their chairs laughing at each other 
bantering back and forth like montana lads, 
rough and tumble, but not on the fight,
 beer in their hearts, friendship at it's best, 
thought about my other best friend, 
river stories , campfire lies, jokes over beer, 
German, polish, Irish, ole, lena, and Lars 

I saw a couple today 
she animated  peer over glasses speak, smile. 
Twirl her hair, beguile 
through rose glasses
he leered at other lasses
dark bun in her hair a pout, glance askance. 
Fingers around the rim of her glass 
his eyes shaded a smile a nod not ready to hear 
flip her hair smooth her lashes she’d bought all his beer.
they would smile and klink three drinks 
and now he is interested what a dink 
Could tell she knew at first adoring, 
Toward him now boring
interested by alchohol consumed, 
the right time he now assumed
they left I began to brood
how men had become so crude
 was I a man like all men
never no not again 

I wish there were happy things to write about, had a great day driving about with Zany, lol blue broke down on 6 mile no fuel Chris came and pulle dus out to dailies turn out, got home to a rant again, she was watching the regional, and seemed to be more righteous than thou I just went into the office, then to bed, and she ranted for an hour I just laid there trying to pray, as she hit me just stayed quiet....I need something nice to write about  uggghh
pleease please please help meee..... she started in as soon as she came upstairs this morning,,,another day wrecked and it hasnt even started yet.....
I know many times journals are dark, and even morbid, the saddest of things written in them, many end in tragedy on the ice of the poles or in a dark cell. but are there not some filled now and then with joyful things, I have a journal of joyful things from many years ago..... but now mine is full of words unspoken, hurtful things laid upon my skin, like a hot iron, spiteful things hurled at me, how did I maintain my joy before, the truth held me in its grip, spiritual friends and family were my solace two or three times a week they would smile and chat with me, staying busy kept me away from the toxin, the poison that resides down stairs in its own room, only to venture out when it had an urge to stain the peace, and the tranquility.  where are you my peace, what are you doing at this hour..


I loved your comment today, I realized I always strain to hear the other sisters, and a few of the brothers over the sound system, but your voice is crystal clear to me, my ear is tuned perfectly to your voice.... I miss you baby.
dreamed last night I could play the violin, somehow got into a music hall and there was woman playing such pretty music on her violin, from a distance up at the top of the aisle, I couldnt tell it was you I sat and just listened, out of nowhere my brother shows up lugging this big cello case, he goes wheeling toward the stage, says cmon lets go see her, I said I cant Im not supposed to she will get in trouble, Ill get in trouble he just pshawed and said cmon so I followed him down to you you kept playing and had this incredible look on your face so peaceful I imagined it  was because you had managed to break free from loving me we got on the stage and you opened your eyes and smiled just nodded and said go get your violin, you are so so beautiful I thought ok yes I will so happy I could spend time with you and it seemed all right, I went back stage into the music instrument room but each cabinet I opened only had shop tools in it, Zane came through the door clunking along with his cello case said cmon hurry man I think she is leaving, I said I cant find my violin let me have yours meaning what was in his case, he popped it open and said there isnt any thing in it I just like having the case. and I woke up.


I really miss you, now that I am awake I remembered when you brought your violin to work, I loved that, thank you for sharing that with me.
Well I did get Lil Blu back yesterday, it was a pretty nice day all in all, taking Zany around on saturday just to look at the country, they want to go camping so bad, but just wont do it, I might just have to say we are going and find a spot, to get them used to thinking its ok, bears and snakes are scaring them a lot, was pretty crazy that blu stopped but I figured out we had been going up too steep a hill, the gas sloshed to the back of the tank and the fuel pump couldnt pick up any gas so the bowl went dry, Chris came and pulled us out to Dailies gate, and took us home, turned out to be pretty expensive weekend, am trying to save any extra money to,....leave..but yesterday as I started to go get it and call the tow truck I took a little gas and bought a squirt bottle, I did call the tow truck, but when I got there I just back filled the gas line and the carb bowl and vroom he started, so called the tow guy to not come, he was really gracious I had promised to pay mileage and some fees but he said no it was good, so Chris and andrew and the whole tribe showed up, we took the short cut to Chico and of course every one was hungry ugghh, used my credit card, I havent used it in years trying to get it paid down, lol cant seem to not want to feed those starving native kids.  Was very happy to have Blu home, Andrew said he ran good, but it bogs when you press the peddle all the way down, I forgot to tell him it will do that because its an actual old timey carbeurator, it can pump way more gas than the lil guy can use up.
7-9-2018

The text and Wt comments and the WT article were good today, the words didnt hurt as much as usual, maybe,,,I hope someday every one can forgive me. Sure miss you Kitten, Im sorry we had so much pain, I really only want to make you happy.

Always
baby are you here, was the cat singing I will always love you for me, I am stuck on you, I can't break free, every hour every minute you pop up in my head constantly and I just dont know what to do, i'm not supposed to say it but ..simple I love you,,,, you are going to be my test....of course I cant say but you may have let me go in your heart, ot me kitten, not me, 


I had a real busy day today always mondays, fire marshal, and striping on parking lots, moved a couple lawn mowers and a freezer, Jayson and I are becoming the do everything department.


I stopped to have beer on the way home counted the beards 47 men 15 beards I am thinking its still a trend.

No fight when I got home, she was already taking her nap...I think its just to get rested  up btween bells, found my own dinner tonight as usual.

nice to not come home to a brawl, wont last long........
I love you Randi.
no doubt about it at all
Well another long long day, up way too early, and then I cant seem to get any kind of real work done, scheduling new projects and meeting with contractors, and plumbers, my phone didnt stop ringing all day, window guys and ac guys, uggh. and the paper work too. I thought it would slow down, but just keeps picking up. and wow was it hot today went for a walk at noon 97 degrees out and I walked way to far. Had to look up begonia.  

Have been mulling over our story:
  I should write about her too I think but
is she brooding because of being taken away
is she relieved to be away from the crotchety old man
is she on to new adventures and forgetting
is she angry because he hasnt come to get her back
I think the story right now reflects the truth of life situation as it is, its our story,
but would he not fight his way back into the camp, claim what is his,  I think he fears now that he has lost her forever, that he has no chance or hope, that his dreams are dashed, he hears nothing from her to change his mind.

still trying to figure out her stoy name  I like Idna'ri or Idnar'i


dreaming about you, sad dreams and happy dreams, what am I going to do???
Had a pretty nice day a lot of work at the middle school, and the phone rang off the hook, got invited to go golfing in three forks, very cool golf course, geese, swans and pelicans on the ponds, tried to get a picture but I cant see a thing on my phone in the sun light, but it was wrecked when I got home, R just cant seem to stop, it had been a few days of peace. and ....well I just went to bed I couldnt take it any more.....am planning an owen only saturday I hope it comes through. no family, at all.  

I dont want to speak badly about any one but this woman is a peice of work, she never ceases to amaze me how mean, and selfish she can be.  I guess I dont have much room to talk though, some inner examination of wether or not I'm selfish. too

seek peace and pursue it

7/12/18
On the precipice I in blackness  stand 
My brain says no my hearts demand
At midnights gate she in dreams arrives
My heart quicken’s my soul alive.
Her sweet kiss upon my lips.
The lovely pressure of her hips. 
Yes believe I may she to me will stay
Alas my dreams bring dismay.
To she my heart and life do give
Struggle my heart of past promises I live  
In my dreams her shining eye 
The truth does haunt and bely
She offers smiles and kisses sweet 
Her soft hands lays upon another's cheek 
In my past she did say
I will love you all the way
And yet in slumber’s vast array
To another she gives her love  away 
In dreams wonder full of bliss
I see my love isn’t hers amiss
Im eternity’s slave for her 
And yet loves wonder is a blur
My name my heart on her lips lying
My soul my being for her crying
Her promises to marry 
my heart upon does tarry 
At the precipice of darkness I stand 
no love I see will she demand 
to leave me stranded upon white beaches
oft love’s  reality teaches
my dreams eternaly in her arms to be
seem hollow promises now to me

Right or wrong kitten I am always yours.

Im lost and doomed I cannot stop loving you,
how will I ever be well my whole heart is yours.
midnite and awake more dreaming of you each time your happier, and lovelier, and I'm sicker. I used to be able to see the new system, I remember you begging me to make it, that you couldnt live if I werent there, is it still true, I've come to the conclusion, I had never truly been going to make it, I feel myself getting older and older each day, less and less power and I havent the strength of will to be happy, I see you laughing and moving forward, priviliedges back, walking into the new system and I being dashed against the rocks, by powerful angels, unable to get into the basement with the brothers and sisters, unwelcome at the door as the storm approaches, all because I just cannot feel any love for the shrew. and now my heart broken and abandoned.  I try to speak to jah, thank him, for what he has given mankind, I try to thank him for the truth but I am getting emptier and emptier, I ask myself if you are more important than life, and I always come back to there is no life with out you..  Its been months and each day away from seeing you, or knowing if you are well, neeeeding so so desperately a kind voice in my, a warm touch, any thing other than the constant drone of spite..I try to lean more and more on jehovah, but it gets harder and harder each day.


always yours

I want to end this forever yours but cannot see forever any more, missing you
songs from my heart, 
HEART CLICKS
I am
so
so
lonely.

so
so
alone
was I a mistake
am I a mistake
Do you still care
Are you still here
My heart does dare
Losing you my fear

Every thing is gone  
nothing to remember
my life also done
as cold snow of december




I know it would be easier, if you had broken my heart in the old fashioned way, when love cools off and one just goes another way, I know you knew you had to let me go so many times but didnt want to, id seen it in your face before, struggling to tell me it should be over.  I know it would be easier if you had broken my heart the old fashioned way, I could at least be moving forward, forward to  just missing you, my hearts hole would slowly grow its healing scar, but you didnt leave me in the old fashioned way you were ripped from me, torn from me by truth, and I have no way to fill that void. I cannot find words to express how lonely I am, Ive lost both of my best friends, my only friends forever, the only true family I had ever had will never speak to me again, because I fell in love with you, will I become some faded memory a bad dream.   have I allready become a bad dream. Have I become a mere faint glimmer in your heart.  I am afraid I will always love you.
My prayer today:

father jehovah I know you are the hearer of prayers, that you incline your ear toward honest hearted ones , to those calling upon your name, I have become a smoldering wick barely alive,  I love the congregated throngs, the brothers and sisters inside your fold, To sustain myself I circle about under the table like a useless little dog gathering up the crumbs that fall from your table, I beg you forgive me, accept the  words of this petition...first thank you for all you have done for mankind, and what you do for your congregation in your hands, thank you for the older men that endure against the storm to protect your flock. you know who I am my very heart you understand, the inner workings of my head, and my challenges, I beg you hear me to heal me, but I am like the man who peers into the mirror and sees delight but walks away and begins anew, the bad, your word strikes me each time I read in, where I have failed, and what I have lost, how can you ever take me back. Please help me do whats right even in a difficult life, my peace is taken away from me each night, in this bitter fight. I cannot find room in my heart, for Ronda, I search my soul to find some good, you know I have tried to help her. Please help me to adjust my heart, its the hardest thing I can ask for, I thought I found true love. forgive me please loving is never a mistake.  I beg also you be with Randi, to help her stay strong, to move forward in serving you, I pray you  someday take me back so I might live to be her friend again.  Please be with those in the congregation here, You know I miss my spiritual family, please continue with each of them to remain loyal, and blameless.

if it be in your will please accept this petition in Jesus name amen
7-15-18
 Hiked up to passage falls yesterday  was beutiful even with the fire having gone through there years ago, took it easy stopped for pictures and such, have always been amazed that there is a cabin up there, private property, I didnt go down the trail to the bottom it was way steeep, but will next time, not many hikers just a few fishermen, I met a group of folks from Atlanta georgia, I didnt see them come back out but that was ok. took about 3 hours up and back, filtered water out of the creek, had to do it a few times before I could get last years muddy yellowstone taste out of it, but filter ready now for the next mountain water, wasnt until I started to drive out how lonely I was, I used to love to hike by myself and was pretty much a loner and my own company always sufficed, of course in my current state I may never get to see that spot again, when in perfect health, or with family or friends, didnt realize how loving someone could turn out so badly, made me rethink the end of the thousand years, if it was so easy to have my heart work my life now, I wonder how easy it will be then, wont people be falling in love then? or what might cayuse so many to fall at the final test. They say leaning more on Jehovah when DF'd is important and how those that did came to be closer, but I cant get over the feeling i am unforgivable because I love a young lady who loved me at one time. Hard to keep promises when only half of every one works at getting the new personality, but I have to stop focusing on fixing her, if i am going to get better, so a good walk was spoiled by a slow drive out of the mountains LOL  I think it was mark Twain that said Golf was a good walk spoiled
I am so proud of you, you seem to be doing well, I love your comments, I sure miss commenting, but not sure I would be able to at all, because I am just not doing what is right, Im supposed to be trying to make marriage work, but I just cant put 100% in to it, it seems like life is good without me, its the right thing for you but it  sure hurts a lot, but I guess Im the one who hasnt moved on.  I dont know what to do, you were always so much more spiritual than I, I was on auto pilot.
HELP
I just need some one to tell me they love me
Baby, I need some help,I have no where to go, dark dark thoughts today, I need so much to hear a kind voice, I need to feel a warm embrace, I need help real help, I see no way out any more, its like a nightmare that doesnt end, not even a few days rest.  I am allready dead, real dead cant be worse, at least I might have a chance.  I just have no one that is on my side, no one to just....talk to, I pray but am not sure he listens to me,  I crave just a touch, a few words that im Ok, I dont know what to do, I cant shake the idea that ending it would be ok, I pray for strength and holy spirit.  I dont know if your posts are for me on FB, but I really liked the one today about the bristle cone pine tree, if it was for me thank you.  
Better today slept from 330 pm until 530 this morning, Am still missing the girl I fell in love with, not sur what to do anymore. 
How do you get here, 


Your FB posts lately seem to be just what I need.  Especially  today, willy and nemo were of great help, Its not bad thoughts that get to me, its that each time I say out loud I love that one person I dont know how Jah feels, I can love her I just cant be with her
If you do come here, its not very fair, you get to see each of my thoughts, my days work, what I did for fun, and I can't know if you are OK, or, well, or safe, or if you have moved, or if your happy, or sad, or..all the things that I cant ask you about. simple things really
I just realized what my reward is (that is if I get in)  Jehovah will erase all my memories of how she ran my father off, ran my mother off, ran my brother off, ran my kids off, and my friends, how she kicked and slapped, scratched and pushed, fought, cheated on me reminded me daily that she didnt love me spent more than we could afford, wears some kind of goo that I am alergic to, that makes my throat swell shut, didnt respect my wishes, took away and never gave much back, he will make me forget how mean she was and the things she called my family, daughters are whores grandkids all bastards and bitches, how she has kicked in most of the doors in the house, and make me all better, and tell me my pains were nothing, my sweat and tears and wheeping were nothing, and yahoo that I get to stay with her.

and on top of that he will erase my memories of some one so sweet and tender a person who made me believe she loved me, I was like the leper who hadnt been touched and she soothed my ache, of the one who truly loves  jah, who searches for him who strives to be better each day.he will erase my memories of that too.

now thats a reward if I ever heard of one
i am struggling to keep you in my heart, missing you so much
I have never ended a story with the character killing himself, but I have a good idea how have all the words to it in my head, an end filled with marvelous memories her face and smile and adorable laugh, she sometimes does when she comments, the look of love in her eyes, saddens me that she doesnt have that for me any more
Well I know your not going to believe this, but I had a pretty good day at work, then left early to go golfing had a very nice time, and it was so so beautiful out on the course, but as soon and I mean as soon as I got upstairs it started, I just sat put my fingers in my ears and repeatedly asked her to stop, and that I wasnt going to fight over and over, just broke me down cried, after ten minutes or so i just went to bed, Do you think Jah sees her, does he see me, I have so much at work that I am trying to get done, so when I get home I need peace, I am becoming a broken record in writing this stuff, I want to write cool good stuff, and how my day was, what I read or even write something just to write poetry or a story, the rest of my time on earth is going to be this??? ugggh  I asked if I could borrow the  boat from Jeff took him a couple days to answer, but he decided I should just keep it because we would have to communicate if we were sharing it, I really miss him...I really miss her too, 


I love you kitten where ever you are
Had. Great day today at work. Stayed way busy but not sure I got any head way on true hard work, had training for a new work order system, and then some contractor stuff, so now sitting at map brewery, I shouldn't come here just makes me think about you, just now made me smile, I am so glad I got some time with you, I wish it had been more, and better and also wish I had just kidnapped you. It's crazy how we fought and fought against the urge of it all, of course shows our hearts are in the right place, well yours is.  Mine is still very much stuck to you. Of course I sit here drinking beer just not wanting to go home at all. She is going to freak out that I am going golfing next week. Oh by the way that's what the big mountain over a mile hill screaming at me was about last night. I had a fella ask me to go golf tommorrow (Friday) it was horrible how such a small thing caused such a huge problem......uggh enough of that. Would you go golfing with me? You could drive the cart????. Strange too, I've been told she wont be going to any Thursday night meetings, I've never believed she was totally in the truth. ......nope not gonna fo that, gonna be positive. Positive in positive out. Thank you for the posts still not sure, (it seems too crazy that just what I need is what you send, I'd like to believe it's because we are connected) any way.  I need to buy more golf balls, lost I think 6 or 7 last night (Oh My Golfness) ugh that made me laugh).  By the way thank you for letting me go golfing. Do you think there will be golf in the new system??? I hope I'm there I just have to stay away from you......oh and get rewarded by having my memory erased about the horrid.....oops started again. I miss you a lot, I hope, you're ok,. 
Love you too a lot.  330 pm
515 pm well that didn ttake long she just cant seem to not fight, start a fight, pick a fight..............ugh........
going to bed maybe ill dream about nice things, maybe  even about some one who loves me....hah no one loves me....sorry Im sure she must, I hope she still does
13 A stupid son brings adversity on his father,+
And a quarrelsome* wife is like a roof that never stops leaking.+

19 Better to dwell in the wilderness Than with a quarrelsome* and irritable wife.

15 A quarrelsome* wife is like a constantly leaking roof on a rainy day.+

Yesterday, was a pretty good day, I spent more than the usual amount of time thinking about you, still cant get around in my heart without bumping into a memory.  You affected me profoundly. and each day seems to last a life time without you.  Golfed at cottonwood in four corners yesterday what a beautiful spot and pretty tough we did the back 9 holes.  Got home about 7 feeling pretty content, went down in the garage to work a little and worked on the sprinklers, Andrew had come out and done some work mowed and painted etc. it was such a nice night out went and sat in the chair and watched the stars come out,,,,and then......well same old crap,  I just sat with my fingers in my ears telling her I wasn't going to fight with her, I just don't get it, Ok sure my heart is somewhere else always, but I'm trying to at least be peaceful, and calm, so another pretty good day ended with me crying and praying for a way out.  I cant remember a week that she hasn't been on the rampage at one point, I could handle it when I had plenty to do spiritually, was covered by being in the congregation...........oooops i am not going to complain any more, maybe today will be better.  I do wonder though if that's why I fell in love so quickly with you, and also why I can't stop loving you, you or the memories of us, and a wee bit of hope that you might care a little is all that keeps me from pulling the trigger
feeling empty again this morning fitful dreams and sleep, Sunday is always a bit tougher, because I know Ill be in the same room with you and not be able to see you, Im missing you very much, and the watchtower and public talk and the songs always get to me.

I had asked Jeff if I could borrow the 12 foot pontoon a week ago, it took him a couple days to answer, told me I should keep it almost no way we could share it with out talking to each other, I asked if I could get it yesterday, I saw him on park street in his truck, I felt horrible like I was taking a gift away, I just bawled my eyes out, he texted me and asked if I needed help getting the boat and just wept more told him I wouldnt couldnt see him face to face that it would be way too hard for me to see him.  And here I am knowing to get him back as a friend I have to get better with Jah.
where are you right now, ugh what am I going to do, I need to hear your voice, see your smile, pleeeeeeease uggh
Oh my what a stressfully good afternoon, wait wait wait,, the meeting tore me up this morning every time anything about the new system kills, me I think I have abetter understanding of those who have been DF'd, it seems so weird though, I hope I can make it, the hard part is I cant forget how much I love Randi,..and Ronda is well has been a terror even when I got home tonight from a stressfully good afternoon  she just cant not start a fight. UGHH, yup my reward is to have my memory erased and every thing will be peachy keen, I should have kidnapped Randi.. Any way so took Chris and Shay on a float, oh my I didn't think it was going to take 5 hours, and wow Chris just isn't very mellow, Shay did great I'm gonna have to make her a certificate of River rat 2nd class, she even went pee outside. and she got to be comfortable enough that she walked about around the tubes and back,  I got to pushed her in a couple of times , OMG what a hoot, bit Chris has absolutely no clue about boat stuff, got to the get out and he was working on his fly rod, no oars in the locks, no life jackets on no stand up set put in the hole, its just weird going with Jeff it all happens so instantaneously. then I picked loch leven to get out at, wow it was a long way 5 hours, and burnt my noggin. Of course each little bend reminded me of her.  I know I need to stop, but Randi is my whole heart and soul.. You are my whole being, I will not forget that I told you I love you, I will not forget, you baby.  I know thats going to get me killed at armaggedon , I just cant stop loving you.
So 7-23-18 it just wont stop, another ear plugging event right before bed, threw something at me bent my glasses, not sure what it was yet, didnt leave a scar as far as I can tell.  Work pretty good today.  Tried to get some electrical stuff done, but every time I go to work on a light fixture in the middle school I have to reinvent the wheel.  Sent Jayson out to Ridge view so at least we are in different spots maybe getting the work load cut down. Had to send a your doing great but letter to all the head custodians i am sure its going to cause a stir.  Seems like we are getting many many calls for work that they should be doing.  I went to a light today that supposedly was the ballast it was a light bulb. LOL uggh. any way am gonna take tomorrow off have a golf outing in Big timber planned.  Wish I knew how you were hun, I loved the goodnight kitty, and the picture of the valley
Im so sorry I caused every one so much pain.  really dark thoughts this morning, cant shake them, read a bit in bible, but I ......uhhh....I need a hug really bad, really really bad, I need someone to say they love me to hear the words...I wish I could talk to a brother...........she broke me completely last night, broke me,......... I hope you will forgive me kitten, i love you baby. I am so sorry I hurt you, please make it,Please be there..........
I met a girl with smiling eyes 
Skin the color of clouded skies
Shy her beautiful smile
My poor heart she did beguile
Upon her shoulders kisses tender
My tears of joy I did render
Her whispered words of affection
In my heart also a reflection
My hands she begged caresses
Sun shining in flaming tresses. 
Between her breasts so divine
Amid her thighs treasure defined
She from parted lips would kiss
A pull my heart I could not resist
Upon my form she would lay
Caressing fondling me she"d play
Hands upon me tender
Urging me to enter
At heavens gate we did pause
Not to harm our hearts pure cause
upon her delicate hand
My heart upon her finger did land.
But soon.that blue stone
 rested in an old box alone
My heart she took
My honest love forsook
Alas, her love seemed to pass
It withered like summer grass
What had I done to lose love so sweet
My head and soul entreat
Do now Upon my bed
Agonized tears I now shed
Having loved so deeply
And fell so steeply
just a little while longer and the wicked will be no more, you will look at where they were and they will not be there......................is a description of all disfellowshipped ones...:(    :(   :(
Received a text from a lady named Jolene today, and then saw a post by a friend on FB. am now trying to hold back my tears again.  I do feel completely lost but dont know how it can help....Thank you baby for still wanting to help me.
I do know you care, I am just in this deep hole, I dont get much sleep, she is constantly coming into my room at 1130 at night, I know Im sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, sometimes Im afraid to go to sleep because I think I will stop breathing. I have no one at all to speak to, I need more than just caring, plus Im scared to talk to any one about it, even now when I think bout it Im ready to cry, just so so desperately alone, even more than before,plus Im supposed to be stronger than this, I never knew how much I needed you, needed to be loved. am thinking about a 2-3 day away to be quiet somewhere, just to catch my breath,to get my courage up. i didnt know you came here. I wanted to text back needed to text back right away but wont, cant
love you thank you
always
to live forever I have to completely forget about loving you, I have to not ever think about you,....I have to lose you, to lose something that my heart cant lose, my heart cant lose you, it cant, I cant, I dont know how to do that I cant stop loving you. 


 I try to text her, or call tomorrow
I cant believe being in love could cause this much pain, it seems so backwards.

I lost something very important to me today 7/26/18 she said goodbye
DEVASTATED
Imprisoned
Struggling today greatly, and now time to go home and dont want to.. read a bit today in the bible at work. never do that.

130 From the depths I call to you, O Jehovah.+
​2 O Jehovah, hear my voice.
May your ears pay attention to my pleas for help.
​3 If errors were what you watch,* O Jah,*
Then who, O Jehovah, could stand?+
​4 For with you there is true forgiveness,+
So that you may be held in awe.*+

have to work harder, have to work harder, I dont want to miss being with my best friend in the new sytem
How did you make your heart stop loving me
How did you make your heart stop seeing me
How did you make your brain stop thinking about me
how did you make your brain stop wanting me
How did you change your life to not need me
How did you change your life to not wonder about me
How did you make your soul not ache for me
How did you make your soul not dream of me
How did you make your eyes not see me
How did you make your eyes blind to my tears.
How did you....
How did you...I need to know
How did you...Help me know

I found love is an addiction
shooting its drug into veins an affliction
Highs and lows
tempest waves hurricane blows
its a drug of fiction
hopes and lies from others diction
speaking poems and prose
each a losing dose
losing hopes and dreams
ones true feelings screams
at each  dawn and evening
heart awake lonely screaming
sweet aroma pine wood scented
insides heart and soul be dented
at days end each beat of hearts
she lays at feet walks away, departs

119:173 May your hand be ready to help me,+
Because I choose to obey your orders.+
174 I long for your salvation, O Jehovah,
And I am fond of your law.175 Let me* live so that I may praise you;+
May your judgments be my help.
176 I have strayed like a lost sheep.+ Search for your servant,
For I have not forgotten your commandments.+
started my day out positive a little wol.jw.org, some videos, some reading then...............7:35 am .......she started why, how can someone be so hateful, for so long.
12 am failed attempts at escape R pushed open door to my bedroom so hard popped a hole in the wall, knocked it off its hinges, Escaped to my office and sat behind door begging her to stop so she kicked it in  7/27/18
38: 3 My whole body is sick because of your indignation.There is no peace within my bones because of my sin.+4 for my errors loom over my head;+like a heavy burden, they are too much for me to bear. 5 my wounds stink and fester Because of my foolishness. 6 I am distressed and extremely downcast; I walk around sad all day long.7 there is a burning within me; My whole body is sick.8 I have grown numb and become completely crushed; My anguished heart makes me groan aloud.*

please find me Jah I need to be there with my friends

130 am sunday 7/29/18
drove about yesterday in car past all the brothers houses crying just needed some help and needed a friendly voice, I wonder how many men are like me , Im a freaking basket case, cant maintain my emotions at all, I  used to be so much stronger I thought uggh im pitiful
Cant shake how sad I am
gotta try hard to be positive, the days and nights just drag with nothing to do, makes me realize even more how important the spiritual things were/are at least for a few days a week I had enough to keep me sane
Pslm51:9 Turn your face away from my sins,And wipe away all my errors.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,And put within me a new spirit,r a steadfast one.
11 Do not cast me out from your presence;And do not take your holy spirit away from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation;Stir within me a willingness to obey you.
51:17 The sacrifices pleasing to God are a broken spirit;A heart broken and crushed, O God, you will not reject.

139:23,24‘Search through me, O God, and know my heart. Examine me, and know my anxious thoughts. See whether there is in me any harmful way, and lead me in the way of eternity.

ezek34:16 “The lost one I will search for,q the stray I will bring back, the injured I will bandage, and the weak I will strengthen;

Happy Anniversary

10-30-2017 / 7-30-2018
9 months ago i put my heart on your finger, my heart is still yours. I still dream about you, your tender kisses your smile, your laugh,, it always makes me smile, how your hand felt in mine.  I know I shouldnt, but you gave me so much joy.  Its hard to forget happiness
peaceful, calm thoughts today ok
Pretty good day today 7-30-18, had to come back home after getting to work was not feeling well, thought i was going to be ill, but took a shower and went back, we had to take a van to the dealer for a window and a repair to the bumper, its amazing how much traveling the coaches and teachers do in the vans.  Tried to stay busy again but got shanghied, poor Jayson is pulling the whole load lately, I just keep getting more project stuff, so need to get off my keester and do more.  Went to the kitchen at heck school to retrofit the lights, but again there I was having to fix something to fix something,..Now I am no brainiac, but oh my goodness I cant believe what the past 30 years of maintenance guys have been doing with the electrical. its mind numbing. Got off same time this evening and Chris wanted beer, so we went to Map, then he tells me he needs gas so we (I get Him gas) I need gas too so ring up 120.00 dollars HOLY Cr-P. then beer in Livingston and I didn't realize he filled his growler on my tab, and poor Shay hadn't eaten all day so a 5 dollar slice of pizza, and a slab of cookies.. I also had to pay for three hugs so Shay got $3.00. (that was worth it though) needed some hugs)Taking these kids to have a chat has turned into an expensive habit..like $160.00 today....Of course, its my own fault....P.S. don't tell any one but I hear I am a real asshole...uggh.......I did a no - no on Saturday..I had emailed Jeff to see if he would call me and just say something on my work phone, just really needed a familiar voice, so early this morning I mailed him back not to. He needs to stay loyal, I did though listen to your voice. I saved 13 calls you made in my voice mail (is that weird?) The ones from the hospital still break my heart, I wish I would have heard them sooner and come to see you, what a gang of folks we belong too,...I think if others would have known they would have visited.  I should stop now.... i am still thinking about you constantly it has been better since yesterday ( Sunday), just a glimpse of you calms me down. any way. Hoping tomorrow will be a good day, am supposed to go to fairmont to golf.  Earlier this year I had bought a $90.00 tag that lets me go to like 25 courses in Montana for free, its now paid for of course except for gas, and lost balls, lost like 6 at big timber last week, but the other guys fished up old dirty muddy ones from the water hazards so gained 6.  Put them in the bucket of balls in the garage, will probably only use them in a pinch.  I am off to bed this is the latest Ive stayed up in a long time, its a very  nice night calm and perfect temperature........well let the fighting begin, ugggh....845 pm
and they all wonder why I craved love, needed to be loved, begged for love, fell in love, like the leper who hadnt been touched his whole life, can you imagine the feeling of a tender hand on your shoulder, kind words, no one can if they have never lived it
i love you Kitten
 3:14 So God said to Moses: “I Will Become What I Choose to Become.”And he added: “This is what you are to say to the Israelites, ‘I Will Become has sent me to you.
had a pretty good day yesterday, but wow it was long went golfing at fairmont, so up at 4am then left to get there at 1130 and then got home after 10pm, she was in bed so didnt have time to fight. cold last night to so had the windows open nice to wake up under the covers and cold on my nose. Have been running about all day long so much stuff just cant get to, I guess its job security right. I sure hope your day is going well, still think about you constantly

8-1-18
how did you do it, did you just stop loving me, am really struggling again this afternoon, did you beg Jah to make you forget me, did you pray to erase me, I miss you so much and no prayers seem to get you out of my heart
Horrible night, knew last nights meeting was going to get to me, I had watched the big video twice, so I would be prepared, but right before the meeting "She" made sure I knew all about my choices and that I deserved, just shocked me how insensitive she has always been just put my head down and asked her why she insists on stabbing me, of course its always been this way, she had already started drinking, and isnt going to go to any thursday night meetings in Bozeman, am waiting for the brothers to ask me why. I think I will just shake my head and just tell em why, fearing that when I do get reinstated any thing I tell them will come across as my coniving to escape....then the meeting was rough especially when Russ mentioned we might even have a prodigal son among us, and Trons part oh my I thought he was going to shed a tear, he has always been so tender hearted. By the way I loved your hair last night.  I thought the four pharisees were the harvest police, I never realized and wanted to comment so badly, if the disciples were pulling grain and eating it it was ready for harvesting, sadly we may never know the whole story, I thought maybe those four men were out walking on the sabbath to catch people in the fields, and there was Jesus and his disciples...any way ..so when I got home "She started in right away about how i deserve it, she listened in and didnt get the real meaning behind it all. Made sure I knew she was going to make sure I dont get reinstated....UUUUGGGHH.  I just went right to bed, but then it was worse I cant close my eyes and not see you or start thinking about you, like a movie in my head of every time you visited, how long we have been friends, so Im awake and asleep, and awake and asleep. Snuggle up to Jackson ( even he doesnt like her) and jasper on my bed.  So work has been a bit hard today. Had been a long couple days hours wise. Was up at 3am  then didnt get home till 945-10 last night no sleep or little sleep so work was tough today........am still missing you a lot, I know its not going to go away for me.....ALWAYS

8-3-18
had such a wonderful afternoon, actually caught myself smiling,, and then ....well not sure I have to say anything more, got in trouble (screamed at ) because the garage door was open when "she" came home and the dogs got out,,,lets start over I happened to come home at the exact moment "she" did "she opened her garage door and drove in leaving it open and then let the two dogs out . I was still sitting in my car. and off the dogs went.....it seems so crazy and maybe even one sided.........is it petty...yes I spose.....,,this has been my life sometimes wonder if this is will ever be viable...
watched football tonight remembered your promise to spoon with me during football games


2am 8-4-18  dark dark thoughts, easier gone than here, if I died no one would be able to come to my funeral, no one in my family could afford to be here, who would come to remember me, if I get sick and in the hospital I cant call the liaison committee for help, im not even sure Ronda would show up, and it would seem so odd that every one would rally around her like they do now, give her condolences "oh I'm sooo sorry"  oh but your better off with out him the cad" is there anything we can do for you" and yet this darkness is mostly from her, she just cant seem to be nice, I mean just be nice, be kind I tell her.........ugggh
I want so much to tell you every thing from every day, the highs and the lows, my dreams of you, how my heart feels, I have no one else to talk to, you were, no you are the best thing that ever happened to me. YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, KITTEN, the best thing ever, the best thing ever But each time I affirm my love for you, in these pages I know you will see it, and now I know you come here to read my quips, its agonizing to me, that you get to read my heart, and I dont get to hear your voice, and I am scared, that when I ask to be reinstated they will ask if I have had any contact with you, and I can say no only  half heartedly, a few weeks ago I just could guess if you saw any of it, but now I know you read it and know you worry and  know you care, and every thing you say at the hall I hang on , wondering if there is some message for me, every FB post I begin to believe is for me. If it is the case then  we are still communicating.  I needed these few pages to get my heart out to be cathartic to just spew things to unburden my soul, but knowing you are here makes me have some hope, some on the outside chance, that you can be mine, will be mine but that breaks my heart too.  You told me good bye but you come here to see me, come here to listen in on the words and............. you told me goodbye but you didn't leave.  I am completely lost and every meeting there is some part of it that shakes me to my core, most of the songs I can't sing, some where in the verse is about the things I am not going to have, every song a verse about the ministry and sharing the good news,  every song about being in the new system, or how some aspect that I cant share in, every bible verse breaks my heart and I dont know what to do....... I have already lost you, my most treasured thing..............please dont forget I had a good heart, and dont forget my smile, or my laugh......please dont forget I love you   ...Good bye Randi
DEVASTATED,
I lied I can say good bye on the outside , but spent a sleepless night crying and aching, I cant say good bye on the inside
took the password off I realized its just as much your page as it is mine
Very dark days the last few, cant shake  the bad thoughts I have,woke up from a horrible dream at 2am, there seems to be no way out of this, praying constantly, which brings relief and calm, but the lonliness is killing me, just crave a kind word, a smile, every other meeting or so someone touches me or gives me a thumbs up and I just crack.  Of course the she wolf constantly after me, got in trouble last night for buying macaroni salad to have with my hot dogs. Woke me up at 11 rambling about praying out loud, she just repeated and repeated that she can pray out loud any time she wants, was drunk  after 10 minutes over and over and over I got up and went down stairs to her room.  Im sure she must have been talking to Russ, but doesnt tell him the whole story, she wants to pray outloud at meals, and when she does pray its not a healing thing its accusatory, boggles my mind some time.  Am going to take off today at 10 and go golfing. Thanks for letting me go, .....uh sorry... yes miss you.. you are going to be my forever test if I make it..........Always
What am I doing why, cant I stop, if I stop doing anything even for a minute Im thinking about you..Im lost completely, and yet you have been able to escape to just stop feeling for me, is it because you have enough spirit, I beg for it constantly, uggh baby please......
8-9-18

been a long four five days have not been able to sleep at all, feeling ill all the time, and of course on the verge of breaking down, when ever I start thinking, praying harder every day to wipe the dark thoughts from my head, sleeping at really weird times, trying to avoid the fighting, just maintain my own peace, my own zone, mornings are better than evenings but almost called Jolene one morning not sure what to tell her, or if she would understand all the  other stuff involved, Jeff texted me today, told me I needed to get out, the brothers would never believe my leaving wouldn't be for you, I cant believe they would let me back at all, any way enough of that.  I finally completed a little work in heck kitchen should have taken me a day or day and a half a whole week, I just closed myself in and powered along, kept forgetting to bring a radio though. And the wiring had to be all replaced, had 53 emails when I got back to my desk.  Hoping to get a bit more done now that the projects are winding down, wanting to go next week to Billings to golf maybe take the whole day off, they have a simulator down there where you just stand and golf outrageous.  Might be fun, it has been a nice away time for my brain and heart to stop working.  Have been writing more story in my head almost every day but its so dark, dying and ending and such.  If I haven't told you today......well it hasn't changed for me, still constantly wondering if your ok, and believing you are happy as a clam, am hoping to hear you comment tonight, am so glad you are doing better, I love the cat picks I think I am a scale 3 cat today.  Got another note from Amber in detention center, she needed sports bra's,  I don't know if I looked funny standing in the girls sporting section in target but none of it made any sense to me, I finally asked a lady for help in determining what a sports bra was, I guess they don't keep them in lingerie, and what a medium meant, and why do they hang them upside down, I couldn't figure out how you would put one on.  Sent her some money , 4 spra's ( i just made that up) and some running shoes.  Still no lil blue back since I think Sunday, bought an alternator for their big green Jeep , I guess that wasn't the fix, I spose Andrew is shy about telling me, but that's how it goes right.  I just want my run around lil blue back.  gotta go bathe.


Always


8-10-18
Had an odd day today a lot going on, so it was good kept my mind from wondering, pretty tired though, R started a fight right away when I walked into the house, last night, ugh so didn't get right to sleep and then awake at 330 am,  so started my day early. Thought I was going to get some stuff done but got called right away by the concessions stand chef she had a bat problem, so I contacted the MFWP to see if  I could capture bats or shoo bats fortunately I can or rather any one can, but you should be careful not to shoo bats out of a space and cover the holes because at this time of year the babies might not be flying yet and with mom and dad gone they will die :( .... so I got over there ( put a short video up on FB) and there was a bat clinging to the wall, the girl told me it had been there for a few days, and it looked sick, so I shoo'ed it into a container, ( oh my you should have seen the grown men and women screaming and dancing the  I'm afraid of bats dance)  Right in  the middle of the bat rodeo I got  a call from an electrician I  was a bit  preoccupied and didn't quite feel right about how the phone call went, so texted him back and told him I was sorry i had been on a bat round up and he texted back "Make sure they don't get in your hair" !!!. I texted back Bwahahahaha.  The poor cute little thing was not doing well but sure did fight me off for a little bit. I called the MFWP again and sadly they wanted me to take the little guy to them to euthanize UGGGHHHH, made me so so sad
Dreamed of you last night, missing you a lot, I just wish I could hear a few live not dream words from you, I miss my best friend.
8-13-18
Snuck some peaks at you yesterday, you are so beautiful, really struggled staying awake, the night time ranting is taking its toll, just a zombie all day long, don't even want to venture away from the house, deep deep sadness, am praying constantly to fight the loneliness, some of the friends give me a bit of a smile but Im just blank, Not sure if other DF'd ones get to the point of pure loss, to be in a room of people that used to speak to you is unbearable, Its getting easier to sing some of the songs, Yes am still singing, they cant make me stop doing that its my only avenue of lauding with my lips, miss the ministry so much. I didn't realize how much effort I put into helping whats her name and she doesn't seem to care, I think she had become inactive, She did get out Saturday, I told her to start a study, broke my heart a little that I wasn't going, then at 10:30 she comes into my bedroom ranting at me about what I said, at first I wasn't sure what she was saying, but it was about a DF'd person telling her to start a study "What was I thinking" and then repeat and repeat I just plugged my ears and prayed.  Yes still sleeping alone, eating alone, and no intimacy, I cant touch the woman so there is a struggle too, trying not too, well its a lot of cold showers.....I presume the brothers will hold that against me too when I ask to be reinstated.  I have been noticing too that......no...not going to go negative....surprises me how some of the friends comments are always the same things..the same words just rehashed. I had noticed it before but it seems more to me lately......get behind me satan......(hmmmm my spell check wants me to capitalize satan, I dont think we do capitalize satan do we??? I will have to look)
 The smoke has finally gotten to me, took more time this time, I am not sure but I haven't been as sick, or rather not sick as often now that I am away from the University, I am sure there was something there that I was allergic to, or that my system didn't like.  I have not been reading or watching any news at all so I guess I have missed a another shooting and also where all the fires are, I just cant add to my mental burden any more than it is already, I am sure part of my depression is the work I can't get done at work......I know I haven't told you today, nor have I told you lately Kitten......I love you.


Always
39 I said:...3 My heart smoldered* inside me.As I pondered,* the fire kept burning.Then my tongue spoke:

4 “O Jehovah, help me to know what my end will be,And the measure of my days,+So that I may know how short my life is.

*5 Indeed, you have made my days just a few;*+And my life span is as nothing before you.+Surely every man, though he seems secure, is nothing but a mere breath.+ (Selah)

7 What, then, can I hope for, O Jehovah?
​8 Save me from all my transgressions.+

10 Remove your plague from me.
I am worn down because your hand strikes me.

12 Hear my prayer, O Jehovah,
Listen to my cry for help.+
Do not ignore my tears.
For I am but a foreign resident to you,+
A traveler passing through,* just like all my forefathers.+
13 Turn your harsh gaze away from me so that I may cheer up

Before I pass away and I am gone.”

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