Owens Stuff
Page 4
Ok here it is again this is a page of my personal deepest thoughts, if you got here, you are a TRUE web master.
EVERYTHING YOU FIND HERE ARE MY PERSONAL MUSINGS, THEY CANNOT BE SHARED
IF YOU FIND SOMETHING HERE THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU ARE FOR WARNED SEE THE FIRST LINE
WELL I MADE THIS PAGE A BIT MORE COLORFUL, MAYBE IT WILL HELP MY MENTAL STATE ALSO WHO CAN'T LIKE BALLOONS, ALSO A LITTLE BIT WIDER MAYBE i CAN FIT MORE OF MY MIND IN HERE. NOT SURE THE CONFETTI BACKGROUND IS ALREADY CAUSING ME FITS, LET ME KNOW OK.
FIRST YOU WILL SEE WHERE MY HEART IS
ON THIS PAGE, AS OF TODAY.
8-13-2018
IT BELONGS TO THIS ONE
iT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU LIKE THIS, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF FACT
IT WAS ANOTHER MONDAY FOR ME, STARTED OUT GOOD, A BIT OF BIBLE READING, A CONSTANT PRAYER AND THEN WORK, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED TODAY, DROVE THE PLOW TRUCK FROM RIDGE VIEW TO THE PLOW FIXER, WENT TO GET A VAN AT JC BILLION WHAT A HORRIBLE COMPANY, OVER PRICED AND UNFRIENDLY ( BOUGHT MY JEEP FROM THEM A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DEAL). HAD TO RETRIEVE THE LIFT FROM THE REPAIR COMPANY IT LEAKED HYDRAULIC FLUID ON OUR TRAILER ALL THE WAY HOME, HAULED A SAFE FROM QUAW ( IF YOU KNOW A SAFE CRACKER SEND HIM MY WAY A LONG LOST COMBINATION ) HAD TO CATCH UP TO THE REFRIGERATION COMPANY AT THE END OF A VERY CLOSE SCHEDULE. BY THE TIME IT TURNED 230 PM I WAS SURPRISED. OF COURSE I JUST COULD'NT FACE HOME SO STOPPED FOR BEER AT MAP,,,,,,,SORRY BABY, I HAVE BEEN DRINKING A BIT TOO MUCH BEER. ANYWAY I NEED TO STUDY SOME SO GONNA CLOSE....BY THE WAY THE SMOKE FROM THE FIRES IN MONTANA VERY BAD IN LIVINGSTON......8-13-18..
AM ENDING WITH ALWAYS, MY HEART STILL IS STUCK
AM NOT LIKING THE BACKGROUND YET
Dreamed of you, dreamed of the ministry, dreamed of my mom, a lot of dreaming going on. Took the day off to go golf in billings.
8-14-18
4am 8-15-18
here I am again awake having dreamed of you, I ask myself why I am so fixated on you and then remember you were part of my life for so long every few days I got to see you speak to you almost five years, do you ever dream about us, about me, wonder if Im feeling well? Of course you get to peer in to this page, see my heart, hear my words, listen to my day. I look at every silver car, hoping to just see you for a second, then hesitate thinking how I would be affected...ugh..
had a good day yesterday golfed all day, played the par 3 in billings what a beautiful little spot all kinds of trees and ponds, the ducks were crazy, when groups would come by they would swarm out of the ponds and meander around the cart, then they would waddle over into the next pond to catch the group on the other fairway, I suppose they get little treats now and then. We went to have burgers at the place on 27th just down from the hilton downtown across from the wells fargo bank, I got the flaming hot, jalapeno's and habenero's on it WOW. we went and golfed the simulator at Mitchell golf, it was weird but cool too very hard, and on the way back golfed at Big timber it was such a nice nite too....of course even though I got home real early the usual began, went right to bed maybe thats why i still crave your company, I needed to escape and had the chance to be with some one who really loved me. Am not wanting to go to work today am going to have to catch up I know, I did a bit of email stuff in the car between spots yesterday so that wont be to bad......Randi I know I should think it or feel it because its just going to make it harder in the future, but I still love you.
Always
I wonder how many times Moses older family members would rolll their eyes when he would be by the barbeque and say Ok watch this.... rod into snake and back rod into snake and back and he would grin and do it one more time, before saying no wait here's one and hand into the upper fold and out leprosy and he would chase the great grand kids around an Mariam would tell him to stop it, or if he ever just once faked drinking the nile water when he scooped a cup up and it turned to blood....did you know Jehoavah said Moses would serve as God to Aaron ....hmmm had to think about that for a second exodus 4:16
Broke down on the way to work this morning, (when will I stop being so emotional) Prayed and cried all the way to work, thanked Jah for all he has given me, thanked him and prayed for all the families in the K Hall, and got to you and prayed and prayed he keep you strong and to keep you from me and cried and cried that he protect you from me and sobbed. remember I told you how women have so much power , baby please always remember how much power you have over men, all men old and young, you captured my heart kitten completely and I don't know what to do. Eve captured Adam. Fortunately today was so hectic, I got nothing done but was busy so didnt get to dwell on how much I miss you I dont see this ending for me and it scares me, I do feel Jah is helping curb my mind, my heart. Have a poem started but each time I start it I fall apart. Again how did you stop loving me, did you focus on the new system more, pray more, beg more for spirit..uuugh, on the way home too as soon as I get on the highway I start thinking about you, hoping your well, craving just a hello from you.... I know its always the same story, but just need to have some answer to the ache I have, Is it satan or is it just my heart....
UUUUGHHHH
Always
Washing Machine
I come here to write but my throat gets all tight and my ears start to ring, my heart starts to ache, the lonliness has gotten to me again, the bickering over little things has drained my energy, I think its less smoky today, no its not, turn right here, why no not right, its like an old beatles song I say yes you say no, I say high you say low.........
and no matter what i do you are still in my mind, and heart,
8-19-18
More crazy dreams last night, all over the place stuff and awake 3 times, woke this morning praying again, trying to get out of this deep depression, I think its just the loneliness now, unbelievably lonely, I don't want any friends who are not in the congregation, but have been golfing with a couple different guys from work, oh sure they are nice as pie, but they aren't Jehovah's people ( hah I'm not one of Jehovah's people either) I'm a joke a conundrum, playing at being good and my heart is still leading me on like a slave, as soon as I think its getting better I realize I am still running on my own power, this morning am wondering if I ever really was in the truth had I really made the truth my own, you seem to be much better at it, every one seems to be much better at the truth than I was. I wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me, constantly second guessing. When I ponder asking to be reinstated I get really down, I know Denny will be hounding me about family study, right when I feel I can like the woman and start that she does or says something, plus I started thinking if I study with her and she changes, then my heart breaks, then I think how I am still fighting against Jah, because my heart is yours, its a vicious cycle, I made you a promise too and I don't want to break it, or your heart, so I get reinstated and go about the rest of my life ignoring you shunning you because we might have a conversation, that we can't be adults or friends, worried that every eye will be on us any time there is a gathering or a get together, even in the new system (if I make it). Missing my friend a lot hope you are ok, and well, missed you thursday night.
Seeing you today and having to ignore you was the hardest thing I have ever done, I guess we have not ever showed up at the same time, I so much wanted to say hello, just a quick smile...... lost this afternoon thinking about it, trying to stay sane...Please say it want always be this way
I've been dead to Jehovah five months today 8-20-2018 you said goodbye March 18th 2018, my life will never be the same again. I had another horribly long night. Dreaming of you more and more, you are always going away or talking with others, dreamed I was locked in a cage right above and next to your dinner table in a restaurant, you talked and laughed spoke of just day to day things and never once looked my way.....I can't stop baby, I can't stop loving you
At the edge of release my soul does stand
Toes upon abysses crumbling edge at hand
When one leaps do hearts beat a slower pace
Do tear’s cease or start upon his face
Into the wind to glide to soar a prayer to god
To ask forgiveness to get his nod.
Hidden crevice below the peaks crest
His bones and breath upon earth could rest
The search to retrieve
His widow didn’t grieve
The eighty so close and hundreds about the land
Blind eyes and heads turned from this lonely man
None to take his crumbled form
None to grieve as customs norm
None to know his deep grief
None to realize his relief
None to bow in prayer their heads
None to shed tears upon the beds
For he was dead before the leap
Hard love promises they will keep
A crushed and smoldering reed
They commanded could not heed
Imagined tears of just one
Would that lovely girl remember this lost son
Would future promises he see
Would his body mind and soul perfect be
Would he the girl find
Had she kept him in her mind
Before your heart gives in
Before your mind does win
Stand above the mountains bowl
Leap now you pitiful soul
Ive come full circle back to before you only in a worse state, cast out of Jahs organization unhappy all the time, and no one to love or be loved by, my road back is harder than ever, I'm on my way to death at armageddon, because I dared fall in love. Even you have finally left me, your heart has cooled to loving me seen the folly of it, both of us scarred..... I miss you my friend
8-23-18
Very long day today was awake at 1am, could not stop wondering if I was OK, wondering how you were , if you were well, if you needed any thing, if you had enough work if you still lived in Livingston, if you have been able to help at the kingdom hall, saw brother taylor at Katabatic on tue's and just hurt my heart not to be able to say hello, am missing so much great stuff, and still struggling with my heart, lying to myself that I am OK, and knowing Jah knows where my heart should be and where it really is. Plus the lesson tonight uggghhh, I am not going to make , I dont have enough time, I don't know how to get back fast enough, the brothers are not going to reinstate me if I am not working harder.....the meetings are way hard....had a looong day because of being so tired, gor home an hour later than usual, I am going to change my hours though begining of school to get in at 7am instead of 6 am, so off at 330, just have to get into real world time. Gotta git going meeting tonight and still need to get into the tub.
Missing you
You looked wonderful last night I loved your outfit
Ugghh slept in
8-25-18
another fight last night. She baited me. For some reason she had my old wine book out from downstairs, sHe comes into my little office room and shows me a recipe and says. "Do you remember this wine and how good it was we should make it again, and I'm like sure it wont be the same but I can try, then she turns the page and there is a recipe that has been completely scribbled with ink out, and she says do you remember this one, Im just flabbergasted that she would scribble a recipe out of my grandfather's wine book. I look at her and say what did you do that for, and she throws it at me and says "it's the bitches recipe" I lost it she is like this five year old, I have no clue what she is talking about I guess you had been here to make plum wine and wrote down the recipe. I just dont know what to do. The brothers will not let me back if this doesnt work, I have absolutely no one to tell, I want to call Russ but I am sure he thinks I am the lecherous child molester and am not supposed to be in the congregation any way, told Ronda I was a sick sick man for falling in love with you, I guess he's right...I asked her if I should go get her photo album out and just maybe go through it and pull some pictures out and rip them up, asked her if thats what adults do, tear up each others lives because we dont get our way, told her to get out of my house, that she needed to find somewhere else to live, if she wasnt going to be kind, of course I am beginning to realize its alchohol, she sits here at home drinking and listening to the meeting but snooping about for evidence to hold up. Then she apologizes and is contrite. Classic. Asked her if she even liked me, if she ever liked me, told me no. and she wonders why?
This beautiful lady, the girl I fell in love with turns 25 today
well here it is sunday night and another fight or rather a start, just knocked the wind out of me, had been working on a deck in the back of the house so took Andrew to get something to eat. the Liv bar and grill was open so went in. pretty nice, burger was reasonable and tasty, thought maybe the wicked witch or the east would like to go so snapped a picture of the menu...well at home just shared it and for some reason off she went on who would I take there, and it just escalated into extra, junk I just begged her to stop, and stop and stop, and prayed out loud, well in the middle of it all she starts to tell me how she has an $8000 dollar credit card bill she got when we weren't a thing, I was like when we weren't a thing???? she was like yeah about 10 years ago, we weren't a thing, i just broke down, asked her when was it the we weren't a thing over and over, crumpled on the floor, she is so out of it,, and the brothers just never believed me..... I am just a paycheck.....and I know its no excuse but and its hard to say out loud but no wonder I needed some one to tell me they loved me..How can you go through life being given so much andhaving someone be more than kind to you and still just think they are second hand citizens.....ugh...im glad I am getting it down for smoe futer time,, makes me so sad that the brothers will hold it against me.....how could any one believe my story lol...Oh my goodness, my life is a country song, a best seller book.......
Am missing you
Am very very sad today, completely alone still just cant seem to catch my breath, praying constantly, afraid of dying, and afraid, that the brothers are not going to let me come back, cant shake the feeling of desperation, I wonder if all DF feel this way. I can see how a person can stay away, if its only his own power or will, the lack of friends and family ( well I dont have any family in the truth) and no feelings from R, she is as cold as can be, just oblivious, and mean., no spiritual grounding, mostly my fault she has just coasted along I suppose Jah holds that against me too. I stayed home today wasn't feeling very well this morning and now the weight holds me down, the burden of being outside the congregation, even reading a little in the bible doesn't seem to help all the real cool stories I loved now accuse me, good examples of faithful ones, I fasioned myself a faithful one, really took my baptism and being a witness for granted.
need a nap...go to sleep and not wake up...just dream, good dreams I hope. I really need a hug, and a shoulder to lean on.
8-27-18
yes there are clues
8-29-18
What a day it was yesterday, I can never take any days off again almost could have quit yesterday, had a kitchen supervisor nasty gram me right away about her new hood suppression system, which I can do nothing about I guess a nozzle is too low, and after I put a whole new batch pf lights in the place too, could have said thank you before blasting the messenger, had a big leak at the event center and found a bad cast pee trap under the floor and above a hard ceiling not sure Jayson can reach it but he says he can. had about 20 catch up calls and the our favorite window washer sent me pictures of water damage at Arrowhead, so called the roofer its been an ongoing thing and just cant seem to find the spot, plus I havent been spending as much time out there as I used to, my job at BSD is getting my whole attention. Then got home to R who proceeded to tell me how to build a deck, never ran a screw gun in her life, then she went a bit tasmanian devil when I went to bed, I just ignored her as usual. Getting ready for friday and saturday night fights, she promises me she will be peaceful we will see. And yes praying to make it all the time.
Home to a fight again, just bowed my head and asked her to stop, begged her to stop, because I didn,t open the front door this morning and get the screen door locked, I'm not sure what to do any more about. I'm trying to be peaceful, trying to get a handle on this, still wondering what she meant when she said she racked up an 8000.00 credit card debt when we were'nt a thing, Ive told the brothers she has never loved me, I could just never nail it down, years of leaving the house in the morning just needing a warm smile a have a good day, and now she has me over a barrel, I have to make her spiritually well, I haven't been able to do that for my whole adult life, she says its going to take time for her to put on the new personality, what, she has been in the truth most of her life, hundreds of hours of assemblies, well when she used to go, thousands of hours of khall meetings countless regional conventions......breaking my heart trying to figure out how I am going to do that, I can't make her kind, or empathetic, she told me the other day that Jehovah tells her stuff, I came unglued, it's her mom all over again, I grilled her on what she meant, she meant she prays and Jehovah gives her answers......I'm sure its her mom's influence again, when we were first married I literally had to keep her away from her mom as much as I could, just crazy. I know jehoavh gives us answers, you know in a day or two or at a meeting in a week or praying can make you calm, but actual answers. ugh, and the wonder how I got to where I am, my heart was so fragile.....well meeting night tonight, gotta get into the tub, back is sore think my dish is getting worse cant turn around easily any more.....
8-30-18
8-31-18
nuther long day at the BSD44, many many little things showing up now that 2000 or so kids got here, was glad to stay busy, kept my mind focused it was non stop today. was very nice out too and what a pretty morning, pretty muched prayed to Jah all the way to work, spoke to him about all the brothers, usually a night time thing for me to ask him to keep them all safe, and help them to stay strong, especcially the body, I sure let those men down,....let Jah down too, and the meeting last night was very hard, I hope i can be forgiven. Learned how to safe crack a locker today not sure it was right but a little drilling and viola. had to stay late for a pump guy at the irrigation system, and its friday so not wanting to go home, just am over the fighting, saw an apartment 1 bed 1 bath in Livingston 880.00 didnt seem bad, crazy prices....... they would never let me back in the cong if I left, they would think its about Randi and not about Ronda. I have the craziest life, I pray sometimes and just have to believe there have been other men and women that have been in the same mess I am right, he must have seen every thing...
Alone for years,
a thousand tears ,
love applied,
alas she lied
found a pearl,
a lovely girl,
a heart she broke
with promises spoke,
Bitterly sad,
often mad,
at the brink,
hard to think
sunshine or rain,
always in pain,
off the chart,
my blackened heart,
a derailed train
my foggy brain,
with each breath,
a wish for death,
forgiveness ask,
jahs, perfect task,
beg relief
lifes ugly grief,
Was such a nice night I took my chair and sleeping bag out and laid under the stars, and wept and prayed for forgiveness, got so calm and at peace fell asleep, next thing you know I'm being slapped about the head and screamed at, about how strange it is to be outside, but I think its such a nice night and I haven't actually slept out all year it was such a nice night, I'm a bit boggled but can tell she has again had to much to drink, its every friday or saturday, and has been for years, I just cover my head, and tell her I'm not going to fight, I wanted to maybe camp out you know just a sleep out under the stars, but I'm not only stupid but strange. Well I go inside and its now again she just can't be peaceful, I don't even know what it's about being team mates, as soon as she says it I lose it, and tell her she has never been a team mate, surprisingly she agrees, but then its back to how badly I have treated her, floors me... ugggh, I just stop speaking so it wont escalate, she just goes on and on and on not making any sense at all....
its 8-31-18, 11pm and she went to bed downstairs, yes I still sleep alone...I know the brothers will never believe me so at least I have some record, i know Jah sees it.... hah, I am killing my self, no one will ever see this, it will all disapear at armagedon, along with me.....and it had been such a nice night.
Missing you, miss talking to you,you were my best friend
Saturdays are the worst, really miss the ministry, I do get a little incidental in always but missing my calls, R wont go see them, I hope someone is visiting them from now and then UUUUGHH
Is it supposed to be this hard? I just want somebody to truly love me. Waking up alone, sleeping alone again. And the days are so nice I used to not mind being alone, but being isolated from friends is hard, almost makes you wonder if they will forget who you were, its such a psychological crash, my mind starts to wonder if they ever loved me, they see me but just pass by, saw dad yesterday at the lumber yard just about cried not being able to say hello, and he just walked right by, he has probably seen so many leave the truth its just another day in Livingston
back porch is almost done did not want to put that kind of money into it, paying Andrew to help also. Ugh
sunday 9-2-18
miss you
the meetings kill me my heart always breaking all little things lost, and am struggling I cannot make my heart stop loving her
What did you do to me to trap my heart so, Ive spent the last few hours trying to catch my breath praying and sobbing, and begging Jah to calm my heart, to give me some respite, my loneliness has overwhelmed me, and such dark thoughts again, every scripture brings some pain, I cant remember hurting this badly ever,
77 With my voice I will cry out to God;
To God I will cry out, and he will hear me.+
2 In the day of my distress I search for Jehovah.+
At night my hands are stretched out to him without ceasing.*
I* cannot be comforted.
3 When I remember God, I groan;+
I am troubled and my strength fails.*+ (Selah)
4 You hold my eyelids open;
I am agitated and cannot speak.
5 My thoughts turn to the days of long ago,+
The years of the distant past.
6 During the night I remember my song;*+
I ponder in my heart;+
I make* a diligent search.
7 Will Jehovah cast us off forever?+
Will he never again show his favor?+
8 Has his loyal love ceased forever?
Will his promise come to nothing for all generations?
9 Has God forgotten to show his favor,+
Or has his anger caused his mercy to cease? (Selah)
10 Must I keep saying: “This is what distresses me:*+
The Most High has changed his position* toward us”?
im sorry that I hurt you so much, please dont forget me
dreamed of you again last night, Im trying to do whats right but you consume all of my waking hours and even my night time dreams, you then prayers you then prayers, cannot believe how I am stuck to you. I didnt ever believe I would need to be loved that much, I m such a fool too, trying to get back on track, trying to have Jah's favor, the challenge for me is still not being loved by any one, and you all just went on with life, I never really was very important to any one, just like when someone dies sure it hurts but in a month or two that one is never brought up again we replace them with some one else, lose a friend, oh well c'est la vie. tossed away like rubbish, years of friendship and its see ya Owen too bad about your heart,
The pain is so bad, the mental anguish, the heart hurt, its actual pain physical pain, my chest tightens up and heart hurts, aches inside, I cant be sorry that I love you, I dont think I had ever been in love, I can only hope that this experience will make me a better person. Did you mean the words you spoke to me, did you mean the promises you whispered, and now they are not true?
Sorry that was a bit mean, I know you are trying to live into the new system, and I was your big mistake, lol thats what I am a big mistake, I am I have always been someones mistake, Rinda's mistake, Tracies mistake..............Your mistake, ......sobbing now.......praying now..........I miss you
Are you here kitten? have you left me, abandoned me, am I still that boy in the new system. Woke up hating today, HATING. So many broken promises. then I prayed to get Jehovah's help not to hate. You were going to save me from this hell hole, writing desk in the corner, you drawing, or painting on the veranda, your sweet voice singing or just talking to me, sitting with me, can't get that out of my mind, or my heart, yes wrong, yes all wrong, you made me fall in love with you, and now I am a shell of a man, an empty husk, unhappy, broken, and dead, and I cant break free of your spell. I am so lost, and alone absolute blackness surrounds me no kind voices no spiritual help. I want to be happy, ache to be happy. You dont promise love and not keep it right. I just need to hear your voice, I need you to tell me I am going to be OK, I need some one to say I'm going to be OK. R is no help at all there is no spiritual side to her, except on Sunday and Thursday, read my bible every day, watchtower publications, they dont speak to me they are for witnesses, and I am dead to jah, I pray and pray he wont let me go, that he is still there for those crushed in spirit that he is there for those that are calling on his name, and I am this sinful man warring against my own flesh, warring against what is right and begging to be good. On the one hand knowing whats is right, and in my heart I see you pleeeeese baby help me. please, help me please. Dont leave me, please dont leave me, every one has left me, I need someone to help me, Im afraid..Im at my end, I dont want to be alive any more, it all hurts to much.....I just wanted to be loved.
.I see you happy with some else, giving your kisses and smiles to another, you hand in his, whispers in his ear, your laugh for him, and rightfully so,but it breaks my heart
I should have taken you, it couldn't have been any more painful than my life now but I would have some one who loves me, loved me.
9-4-2018
prayed all the way to work this morning, just incredibly sad, and such dark thoughts, Im not sure if other DF'd ones feel this way, or if they are just jaded over time, I can see how some would never come back, never having a friendly smile or warm hello from your spiritual family is the toughest thing I have ever had to go through, I didnt ever imagine how important being loved is, I know its a loving thing to correct me, I wondered about the man in the first century who repented and was let back in, I really let Jehovah down, he had done so much for me, how does one come back, but I am struggling along. To think back on all f this and how we both kept trying to make it stop, and then only to have our consciences so burdened but (at least for me) have my heart crave affection. I can't seem to find any joy. I am burdened too with how to fall back in love with Ronda, she has been so mean, why did I let it go on so long, just being humble and complacent, I guess. uggghh gonna start crying again
9-4-18
its on this page
Its not fair.
you came into my life, stole my heart, left and kept it. I used to get to know every few days how you were Now I wonder if your ok, or well, or sick or lonely or even sad, I miss your giggle, and your voice, and now even a passing glimpse cracks my heart, yes I know you needed to leave to live, but your leaving has caused me to ache for release from a life burdened with pain, I pray to change my feelings but can't
Well another morning, a bit better today, went to bed really early but still exhausted, dreamed of you, just cant stop, She woke me up again last night at 10 about something I reposted from sis walshes FB page,its just routine, lights on and just talking, I plugged my ears and told her I wasnt fighting with her and then of course she made sure I felt even worse, than I was feeling. And reiterated how she has never loved me...ugh funny though this morning am feeling mentally better, hope today is going to be a good day, I hope where ever you are you have a great day too, do miss you. and yes still love you.
you are my struggle, my beautiful test, my inside heart and head struggle. look at page 2
always
You're as smooth as Tennessee whiskey
You're as sweet as strawberry wine
You're as warm as a glass of brandy
And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time
I've looked for love in all the same old places
Found the bottom of a bottle always dry
But when you poured out your heart I didn't waste it
'Cause there's nothing like your love to get me high
if you are here, you need to tell me you have moved on,
that you dont love me any more,
tell me you dont love me any more,
please you have to break the spell you have on me.
SAY IT, SAY IT...Say I DONT LOVE YOU ANY MORE...............SAY IT ........ I DONT LOVE YOU ANY MORE OWEN,,,,,SAY IT !!!!!!!!!!!SAVE ME,,,,,,,,,I DONT LOVE YOU OWEN >>>>SAVE MEEEE
something to break me completely, its agony for me, I have no one else, I cant move on, you can't just say its good bye not just good bye, I can not stop my heart from loving you, BREAK MY HEART KITTEN,,,,,,,,BREEEAK MY HEARTTT....its not about I dont want you to die,,,,,,,,,I AM DEAD NOW< JEHOVAH DOESNT SEE ME ANY MORE. and Ronda is so mean I just cant find any way out.....YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YOU HAVE NO MORE LOVE IN YOUR HEART FOR ME.....
its agony having found something so wonderful, you are so wonderful, a bag of precious gems, just what I needed in a dark time a light in the darkness of my life, and I cant break free....my head says quit and my heart craves your gentle touch, your sweet smile.....right or wrong you became my whole life, and for me to live you have to say, "YOU NO LONGER LOVE ME" SAVE ME ...some times the princess saves the Knight......I am just so scared, I have had just terrible suicidal thoughts, thinking my only way out is death.......my heart is tied to you. BREAK MY HEART, BREAK MY HEART,,,,BREAK MY HEART completely
a little after 2 am 9-6-18 woke just sad so sad I recorded a message to you on my phone, and was going to send it to you. I dont know if you come here ever, but I need you to know I love you, I meant it when I said it, I knew that some day you would forget me, not being able to see me, or hear my voice, even more so now, Im not much of a catch, Kitten dont forget how much power you have. like Helen who launched a thousand ships, and Joesephine who made Napolean beg, and even Eve who crushed a man in front of Jehovah, that mans love I inherited, i inherited a heart that couldnt choose a right course over love, like him a man that will never be seen again. Please remember me, I know that some day a hundred years from now I wont even be a thought, you and Jeff and any who used to call me a friend wont even wonder about me. I am glad and sad that your love for Jehovah was more powerful than your love for me. I wish I had that, I do pray and beg for help, some times he hears me I think. I'm glad that you are going to make it, I hope I will see you there. Randi if you ever do find love, I hope its better than my love for you. I have always been one with to big of a heart I guess, and its been broken before many times, but its made me who I am, my heart wasnt fickle isnt fickle, I do wish I could turn back the clock, and have been stronger when you started visiting me, we would still be friends, maybe even now and then washing windows with Jeff, or floating the river with our family, but then I wouldnt have known your kiss, or the color of your eyes, or felt loved again. There are so many things I would like to tell you, talk to you about, maybe someday when every one can see we can be grown ups and have self control, of course by then I am sure you will have found a new love, so it will be easier for you. You were my escape Kitten, I built up a life in my heart with you, I actually saw us together in the new system, I had never seen any one with me there i was always alone in those future thoughts, you will make beautiful children then. I have a tough time seeing myself there, I am a sinful sinful man, not worthy of being in Jah's congregation, nor worthy of perfect life. It will be harder now than ever to get back, maybe not enough time too. Pray for me now and then please, please also only remember my smile and my laugh and my heart, dont remember my tears, I am going to lock this page in a few days, you can find the key to this page if you look. I am still going to write a bit here, its a pretty safe journal, the written one is too easy to break into, and isnt a journal just for the one who writes in it? I think its been good for me, but not good too, it just reminds me of you your smile your kiss, your caress, your whispered I love you's, the taste of your neck, the feel of your embrace, next to Jeff you are my very best friend, I havent had many best friends. So writing in it doesnt help me break the spell. please forgive me. You can always be assured that i love you and will until I die, sooner or later die. Please be happy too.
ALWAYS. your knight
Thank you for loving me for at least a little while
Did a bit better today, still praying to and from work, going home is always tougher, tonight doubly tough, song there's no sunshine when shes gone came on, just sobbed, used to love singing that song, had to turn it off, then just prayed to stay calm, I wondered to Jehovah why he had created man to be so needy, or rather why I am, and why does happiness now seem so much more important than eternal happiness, of course my eternal happiness is completely gone, I am such a sinful man, it was easy to get into the truth when I was young I carried no trash with me, no habits, drinking more than I should lately, and it was purer, had a reputation that could only be built upon, now my reputation is shot. Had two sisters from manhattan wave at me today, I waved back not realizing it was sister hinch, made me sad and scared, so maybe some just are oblivious, I can only hope so. Work was very tough today a lot of walking about and paper work, construction stuff, did get a couple real work things done. Am going crazy over the new boiler systems in the two schools, so worried they arent ready to heat up the places, and I have never had enough time to walk the systems down and there is nobody who knows any thing about any of it...lol amazes me that someone in charge of a whole building knows less than I do about them. Had to chase bats the other day and today mice you should see the grown men afraid of such cute little creatures, see pic below of a baby bat. A pretty tired and of course have a blistering headache ( oh by the way the knights name will always be capitalized), have got to keep attending the meetings no other way to show Im on the right track Oh my goodness I am such a hypocrite, Im still in love with a young lady that I am not supposed to be in love with and am trying to prove I can live with out her. I tell myself I can love her and not need to be with her, and of course the meeting tonight hilights the wrong.... ugggghhh did it to myself again...My beautiful test, my beautiful agony, yes I gotta get going tub and maybe a nap to get through the meeting..
always
almost sent my recording to you today bit my tongue not to
9-7-18
had to leave the hall last night right away, I am not part of the congregation so couldnt or shouldnt be part of the business meetings, very hard meeting for me, I missed so much because I fell in love, all those volunteers, the picture of the inside of the hall made me cry, the songs were hard, I usually look them over when I study so I can get my emotions out of the way, I can't believe how soft I am in my heart, so many things touch me, I cant watch animal documentaries if there is going to be dying. Or go hunting any more,. Left and went right to the store and bought a six pack to get the pain away 3 done by the time I got home. And a small R fit once there, just asked R if she listened to the meeting and if she could tell me the corporation officers because I couldnt stay, she came unglued, "there the same as last year, over and over, never did tell me, and again told me how much I deserved what I got, yeah I did deserve it, but man it was such a small thing, makes me know she isnt really listening, I think she just listens to hear Randi comment so she can critique it, she did that/ does that with all the sisters...and oh my goodness John M. I swear he just isnt ever prepared and definitely doesnt follow directions, for the meetings. he is a good brother but oh my. ....any way am hoping for a good day today, should have read my bible first before writing here, I have changed my shift to 7am t0 330 am since monday its been very strange and I do not like it, Scotty asked if I had seen any change, ooops I changed it so my day would get more in line with the local businesses, I get to work and right away have to start or want to start calling people. Scotty asked me if I had seen any difference so I'm just waiting to see, if I am going to change it back the traffic even one hour later is so much crazier, not sure I am getting any more sleep, still up and awake ( thinking about Randi) every hour past 12. The knights name is six letters long. her name wrapped like a blanket around his
Uggh had to turn the radio off this morning, every song reminds me of you
He sat at just looking at the tea, it was a her favorite, he had seen her collect it from the field but should have paid more attention to the recipe, so he savored each cup. Her father’s men had been pretty thorough when they took her, ransacked the little house of everything that looked like hers and took everything that looked like his as spoil, but had missed the jar of wonderful leaves, seeds, and branches. He had been sleeping on the floor in front of the hearth it was too painful still these many months later to even place his hands on the bed to dust the sheets. She was everywhere in every corner, in the rocking chair, at the window, but especially in the bedroom. He got lost in his daydream, hated the threat of death placed upon him by her mother, wondered if the princess was ok. The creak of the door startled him he looked for his sword. Pay attention old man how did you lose track of that. The sliver of morning light arched toward him as the door slid open, he stood dagger in hand ready for the rush of one or many, mad at himself for day dreaming. The form stood perfectly still in the light then stepped forward too small for a man. His knees buckled at the sight of his love, the dagger dropped to the floor, he had to place a quivering hand on the table for support, the tears started. “Are you a dream?” his voice quivered “is it you or does my weak brain play tricks on me”. “is it ok I enter my knight” her voice cracked his heart. She stood with hands clenched in front of her breast, her head cocked a bit to the side the tears on her cheeks mirrored his. All he could do was just nod a yes, his throat too constricted to speak, the slight breeze from outside blew her scent passed him, melted him, she ruished forward and leapt up embraced him sobbing “I’m so sorry, so sorry Rowand’ . Her embrace caught him by surprise, how well she fit in his hug, he placed his face in the cup of her neck he kissed it gently but could only taste his tears. “I missed you so much kitten” he croaked.
The crack of thunder woke him, he just laid in the dark face against the hearth the tears flowed freely, “no more” he whispered prayed through the pain “please no more”
Had a pretty good day today, a huge lots of walking, and so nice this morning wow. Stayed busy enough to keep my mind off, of you, but of course end of the day... well. My job is getting so complicated buds and meetings, and writing scope of work, and I am getting really scared that scotty is going to win county commissioner and I will have to apply for his job. Had to be tough with the contractors today at the high school. It amazes me that they can be so arrogant, and then the cool part is when they begin to understand I'm not just a janitor and I really do know what they are talking about and can't pull the wool. Lol, I don't get to smile often but that made me smile, tried to remember the last time I was happy,.. it was when you visited the last time at work and you climbed over into my seat and kissed me....sad and happy about that now. I think the best part of my job is the little kids, I always loved college kids and talking to them, but the little kids 6,7,8 year olds see me and they now all yell, ' hellooo, Mr Owen' and give me high fives. I guess its school policy not to have the young kids use your last name, I'm thinking it's a bit derogatory, I mean they have to use teachers last names. Hmmmm. Stopped at map for a beer and got pretty sad, guys with their buddies laughing and talking, really miss Jeff. Had to text him Sunday night was in a very very dark spot, I wasn't or shouldn't reach out but had to, the body was very stern about that, I had never done that when I was on the body,,,,ugh. You know never said do not contact any brothers or sisters, is strange. He did text back told me to be strong, helped some, texted he forgave me. But to see buddies together or even friends together is pretty hard, have been trying not to get worldly friends here. Has been hard not having someone to share stuff with. Back to same old same old at home alone eat alone sleep alone, wake alone, repeat. Spoke to jah today had a strange thought asked forgiveness for allowing the lion to devour me, but he didn't the lion didn't devour me he just let me go on my own, why is happy now more important than happy forever, why did jah make us so fragile in heart, Have an opportunity to hike to drinking horse mid September, looks cool just off the road to bridger by the fish hatchery, the gym teacher sent out an invite, might do it myself without a gang of worldly........people
9-8-18
Well another pretty nice night wrecked, I got a new grill, drug it up on the deck, had a pizza in the freezer in the garage and thought that would be cool,to cook and it was, but .....it came out and was eating a little and she started in, I have no clue how her head works but it escalated in just a few minutes into who I was thinking about. Took me by surprise, I just told her over and over I wasn't going to fight about it, had been as nice night I dont know what to do about. Got reminded again what a pitiful worthless man I am, just sat and took it , crying begging her to stop, the day started out so good, and even this evening, not sure what it was i did, still baffled, ...why am I here, because of a promise, why can women leave but not men...fighting so hard to not get in a trap again.
if you get to meet my parents in the new system will you tell them about me please, that I was pretty good guy, and well liked
she went over the edge about the video I took, posted it this morning on FB
I just wanted to be loved, I mean really loved, deep deep sadness today, It had been such a good week, found an apartment this morning, getting up the courage to call, wondering if brothers will understand, or even care, well of course they wont care, they arent supposed to care about exiled ones, even if they are trying to be good, and return.
Drug myself out of the house was tough, Saturdays are so hard, miss the ministry, and when she doesnt go out it makes me even sadder, I really dont think she appreciates it as much as she should,,,actually, I know its hard for every one, but until you cant do it and have done it for so long, at least for me it hurts, didnt get much done, even though it was nice out, got the back cleaned up all the scrap wood, not sure what to do with it all probably go out in a few hours and start a fire in the fire pit, havent done that all summer, I really have lost all ambition, am thinking about going to the doctor, get a check up talk about my depression start some kind of thing, have never truly believed in medical help, always believed Jah's power and spirit could help us accomplish what we need, but maybe now...still have Jolene's number too, thank you for telling her. Tried to get a bit done in the garage after clean up but she came home from somewhere, had been gone all day, tried to avoid her, she apologized but its just not enough, every few days she is like jekyl and hyde, the truth and all the stuff I had to do for the congregation had insulated me from the abuse, now its like Im uncovered and ready to be whipped. Sorry i wanted to be positive today, but this is what Owen's life is, I have to get it out even if noone is going to know, she left for somewhere again and I just stood in the garage and prayed and wept. you still come up in my mind every few minutes if I dont stay busy, I really hope your ok, I am sorry for getting you into this, you do seem to be happy which is good, I know you fought hard to do what was right all along baby, I know you fought your conscience every step of the way with me, and Jehovah knows it too. Please stay strong, please make it, I meant the earlier post, if I am not there you have to promise to if or when you meet my parents to tell them about me, I dont think they knew my whole life being so far from me for so long. If I havent told you today...yes I still love you..
9-8-18
I woke up this morning imagining when I walk into the kingdom hall this afternoon the woman that I fell in love with will be standing at the literature counter smiling and talking to another man
Giving the smiles meant for me to him
giving the giggles meant for me to him.
I also realized that although I write here to get things out of my head, there is a deeper thing
I imagine you come here and read the words and hold them in your hand like a fine book,
I imagine that you smile for me at some of it
I imagine that you laugh for me at some of it
I imagine you cry for me
I imagine you ache for me
I imagine that when I say I love you kitten you say I love you back
I imagine when I say I miss you baby you say I miss you so much back
I imagine you still love me, I just imagine that you still love me, my imagination makes me believe you still love me
I think to myself and lie to myself that it helps me, but it really just hurts me, if you are coming here its terribly one sided. Every day I wake up and feel like I am cheating on you, what we had what we did what we spoke to each other bound me to you, and bound you to me. I am tied with chord to you and as you walk about you drag me with you, and yet I am a blind and deaf man, you get to hear my words, my angst, my love, my sorrow, and yet I can only stand blinking through blind tears trying to see you, tipping my head and straining to hear your voice. Aching to know, if you struggle too. Yes I know why you are gone. I am so proud of you taking the right path.
But I am haunted.
Haunted by the promises made
haunted by the promises to marry me some day,
haunted by the simple ring i placed on your finger
haunted by your smile,
haunted by your kisses,
haunted by your giggles.
haunted by thinking if you come here you still love me
haunted by the idea you wait for me,
haunted by Jah's law against it
haunted by the idea that what we had what we said what we promised what we did, married us and thats why it hurts so much for me
When I am at the hall, I sit in so much pain and out of all the voices jumbled together I can hear yours, I can hear your sweet giggle, how it starts quickly the shakes you so gently, short, sincere, lovely.
I can write here and believe its for me, but it is for you, I can believe its cathartic but its for you, I can believe it will help me but its all for you. Because I still imagine:
Boats and tea
football on Sundays with you
breakfast in bed
you wearing my shirt as pajamas
drawings of birds and things and
writings of nonsense and romance
These imaginations are going to kill me
7 am 9-9-18
Randi what am I supposed to do?
I love you, I LOVE YOU........I LOVE YOU!!!!!! Just a glimpse of you at the hall and my heart leaps all my fear goes away, inside I smile and if I get to hear you laugh oh my goodness It makes me so happy, and then I get so calm so so calm knowing you are close by. Then I spend the rest of the meeting battling my head, talking to Jehovah, begging on the one hand to help me stop, and on the other pleading he wont let me forget. and I know each time I say it or feel it or think it, I am that much farther away from getting back.
I love you and I just cant stop..Is it OK to love you, can I not love you as long as I dont persue you? uuuuuggggghhhhh
9-10-18
Slept in today, have a dds appt at 8am and didnt want to drive 45 minutes to Belgrade just to turn around and drive 45 back and and hour later drive 45 more, not sure I am going to go in at all, I do have quite a bit to do, maybe some email this morning. I should go to Arrowhead and make sure the boilers are going to run and start, I think I might have to let them know I cant help a much, my LCC lapsed for some reason, I'm gonna check on that thought I had paid it but my head has definitely been in another time zone, hah still is. Pretty calm this morning, that's heart calm not weather calm. Had you ever wondered about Moses sister and Brother Miriam and Aaron you hear pretty much nothing about them until Moses gets back to Egypt. You almost have to believe that their parents ( Moses parents too) Amram and Jochebed, must have been very good parents, also it must have been Miriam who put the basket with Moses in the water (oops maybe not) and of course Moses was actually raised by them until he was old enough and then taken to the daughter of Pharaoh, and I never realized they were all from the tribe of Levi. There is a whole story never told, if I get in I hope I can ask at least one of them the whole story. Im going to watch a bit of football from yesterday and then away. I hope you have a great day and please know I am thinking of you, and yes I do love you where ever you are.
oh my goodness I have to stop drinking beer, even a beer one beer starts me down the road of pain, I am totally lost today, started out good Dentist is always fun, the girl that cleans my teeth uses a cavitron and I started to think of her evil superhero name and how it sounded like an instrument of pain, but later we started to talk about music and the different genres, and I asked her if she ever played an instrument having had so much musical back ground and she said no, but then I said wait you do play the cavitron,,,, every one later in the office just went bonkers, doesn't cavitron sound like a musical instrument, any way so the day started just wonderful, had a couple beers at Chico at noon, and drove to the thompson lake trail head, says its a five mile hike from there, but I drove like 6 to get to the trail head, I need a good trail book, but the beer started to get to my senses and of course prayer after prayer of thanks for the beautiful things Jah has given us, and of course then you....I can not shake my love for you Randi, I just cant, you were the best thing that ever happened to me... so of course the doldrums started, And more prayer, then I had beer with Chris who just railed me for staying with R and asked if R had changed, it was a fiasco. he let me rant for a bit but I stopped,, even if its true its still gossip...Its amazing how my family just despises her, but the brothers think I am making it all up....uuuuuugggghhhhh enough of that. Any way am now going to try to watch a bit of football, Not sure how to handle todays sick leave I literally worked all day, on the phone, and email, and texts, never realized how much work the boss does..Oh i parked a car or two behind you today at Katabatic, sure wish I had gotten to see you leave...have you left me completely kitten, have you found some one new, am I just a passing fancy now? I know i shouldnt say it but I still am desperately in love with you..
9-10-18
ugggh, not sure I slept at all, up every hour, and some crazy dreams. And of course you mixed in each hour awake. Its been almost 5 months since I last got to speak to you and it hurts not to know if you are ok, physically hurts to know you are trying hard to forget me, and probably already have,I am really struggling to not forget, and thats probably my down fall. I beg Jehovah to crush me into dust and just pick out the good things, but then pray he not take away my love for you, I am sure he just shakes his head. Good or bad you being part of my life for these few years has been nice for me, oh sure painful too, but nice for me no one has ever loved me.9-11-18 5am
A bit lost at the end if the day today, so much I have to get done at work, several scope of works to do, (that is a preliminary paper showing what we want done on a project wall prep, plumbing to be removed what kind of adhesive, is there electrical etc)...a concrete job and one for cool down rooms, one of the sadder parts, I didn't realize how many young young kids need more attention, if they get a bit wild do the teachers lock them in a padded room, ugggh, the ones I'm working on are for the kindergarten through 4rth grades do what is that 5 years old to 9 sad sad, that kids need that, sometimes I wonder if it's just society or if they are really troubled, then I start thinking about the new system and how much we need it. Then I get way sad knowing what shape I'm in, am I that bad, a horrible person??? anyway then I have all this paper work to follow up on, and parts to order, had 3 meetings today, too, and some calls for warranty work I hate it ,home depot, and lowes are the worst. Had to fix a computer and start boilers today too, still amazes me that the folks who are supposed to do that stuff just can't and are licensed. Oops that was kind of mean...today was pretty good mentally but going home is always tough, how can my heart be struggling between getting in to the nee system , getting back into the congregation and missing someone so much it hurts..had to stop for beer yes I have to slow down on beer drinking...just to numb my self for the fight. I drove up to thompson lake trail head yesterday 6 miles off of mill creek on the west fork way cool country it' looks like a five mile hike from there am really wanting to hike it should take my tent I need a pack.....got way to used to putting all my junk on the 12 footer, and floating it somewhere, dam it I miss jeff a lot . I texted him yesterday I know I know I not supposed to reach out, had this crazy feeling he had gotten hurt or was sick. He does answer back I tell him I'm sorry and not to text back, and to stay loyal....I suppose there are bears the colors of the woods was glorious and at the same time could smell the pine trees. And all the cool little moths drinking I the mud puddles light blue and black and white, like the ones in the video from passage falls,. Woke up this morning at every hour but the strangest thing opened the window in my bedroom and could smell the smoke from some fire it was so thick I thought it was really close. So went out on the deck in back naked... yes naked. And smelled the smoke and just teared up over the beauty of all the stars I could see. Do you think in the new system if o make it the neighbors will care if I stand naked on the deck. end of the day of course wondering if she is ok, where she is at, how can I all at one time need so bad to be in the new system and at the same time miss someone so much.... always
740pm 9-11-18
do you ever think about me, are you just as lost as I am, or have you cut me out of your hear?
miss you
Woke up last night at midnight rolled over and stretched my legs out and found she had come into my bed, shocked me first then I started getting so angry, it just grew and grew and I couldnt get back to sleep, I still have such animosity toward her, she is never in my bedroom and is still sleeping downstairs, not sure when I am going to start healing, if ever, I know who is supposed to be in my bed, right or wrong good or bad, I know, or do I just want that....I am hoping I have a gooder day
530am 9-12-18
It's the same still in love with some one who, I can't speak too, who I miss horribly. She was my best friend, maybe more in the morning..I miss you so much...
2 am 9-13-18
Been up about an hour laying in bed not feeling any thing, my heart dead, I walk about in my dreams looking for you,I drive about hoping to see you, and your gone, did you know that a hearts flame could go out, I didn't know it could, didn't believe it could didn't want it to be true Ive read in the bible about the smoldering wick. There are no words to describe complete loneliness, the punishment of exile is so harsh, no one spiritual to talk to, no one to laugh with to tell stories to, to wonder at the creation with. Did you know that love or rather the taking away of love will mar a babies development, I believe taking away love will mar any person, to stop loving someone, because your told scars someone its a deep deep scar, I used to think it was just a knight that was killed, but I was a prince, a star held in Jesus right hand, and now I am worthless bit of dirt, I will never be the same man, I am not even sure I will be the same Owen, I remember him, happy, laughing, loving, his eyes would glow with life, sparkle at a friends smile, his laugh was quick, his love was deep. This morning he just has hate, no its not hate its disgust. I have been left before, but I knew I would be able to maybe find a new love. and while I looked I would have true friends standing by my side, family that would rally to me to lift me up to make me know I was still worth something. There would be Some thing to fill the void. I want to believe you love me, I want to believe some one loves me. Never forget the power you have, the power to bend men into your shape into the thing of your choosing, and when your done with the way you've created them and then if you you don't like the outcome just toss them away, oh and keep their heart, yes I had something to do with the way I have become, just as mad at myself for being weak minded, weak hearted. I fell in love with you, and I thought I would never say this but at least this morning the emptiness is so deep so complete I feel nothing. I am trapped, a prisoner, in an isolation cell, and I am so lost. I didn't realize what Dis fellow shipping really felt like, you are my only family, you all were my only family, and to show me that I need to change...you abandoned me to the wolves outside, I can't live out here death would be better. I can see how ones never come back, for a time they might fight to do it but then they realize that the 70 or so folks that professed admiration for them just go on living, their lives go on and they just go about life. Like when some one dies, at first you think about them and then one day they aren't even in your mind and you have to work at remembering them. Is that how you feel, do you have to work at remembering me? now I am just angry and hurt. you promised to take me away from this to make every thing better, you promised, you promised to love me. You promised not to give up on me, you promised me, you promised me, you promised.........uggggghhhh. I know I know you arent supposed to, I know, I know why.. I need some help, I need some real help. Never ever believe that a grown man can not be broken it doesnt matter how old he is.
Devastated today, completely empty, and lost, took meds this morning for the depression, not worthy cant even talk to jah today, am trying to stay busy and not think about the loneliness, or about you, have never felt so hopeless, or alone, so unable to control my head. Completely gone and trying to find my way back....
Another page filled not sure when this will end, pretty good day today, stayed way way busy, still just empty though, srcreamed my pain today on the way to work, I think he hears me, better calm
9-14-18....
yes there is a page 5 but you to go through the door way
The princesses name
